Dad discovers cause of daughter's lack of a relationship.

My dad frustrates me...no, infuriates me sometimes. And this morning was one of those times. I don't know if it's because it was 5:38 in the AM when I was leaving for work; if it's because what he said is simply ridiculous; or there's also the likelihood that it's a touch of PMS on my part. I'm not sure, but I felt the need to let out a very loud frustrated shout-sigh. How would you describe that thing women do when we just let out a heavy, vocalized breath? I also let loose a few choice words and the finger (not at him, but towards the house).

What crawled up my skin? He chose the moment I was putting on my coat to leave for work to walk out into the living room to bitch about the bathroom trashcan. I threw away a contact solution box into the small trashcan in the bathroom. This was apparently a great offense. Why was this act of throwing away trash into a trashcan a problem? Because apparently the bathroom trashcan is much too small for such a giant box that was my contact solution box. It overpowered the puny bathroom trashcan. And this is what he bitched about.

"How many times do I have to tell you that the bathroom trashcan is not meant for large boxes?"

Really!? Large box? Well, I googled an image so you can see for yourself. Granted, I could not find a picture of someone holding it, but you could always swing by the vison product aisle at the store next time you're out, you know, just in case you're curious.

I did not say anything after he bitched about the box and the trashcan. I did not feel like contributing to a ridiculous conversation. (I also do not like talking to people so much so very early in the morning anyway.)

My dad then went on to say, "It's no wonder you can't make a relationship work; you're such a slob."

(Pause to let outrageous comment sink in; grow into small ball of fury in pit of stomach.)

EXCUSE ME? I'm not in a realationship because I'm a slob?? Oh THAT'S why I couldn't make my last relationship work! I was with the guy for a year, but I guess because I'm a slob, he couldn't take it anymore and cheated on me.

So I guess I can't find a realtionship because I throw trash away in a trashcan. Next time, I'll throw my trash on the floor NEXT to the trashcan. That way the little bathroom trashcan won't have to suffer the strain of a giant-ass contact solution box. Oh the horror! I can't find a realtionship because I'm a fucking slob!!! What the fuck?!?

This all sounds like a silly story from Austin's The Onion. The headline would read: "Area dad discovers cause of daughter's lack of a relationship. Throwing trash in trashcan to blame."

I cannot remember a time when I wanted nothing more than to say, "What the fuck?!" and then flip him the bird...to his face. Seriously. What the fuck was this morning about? I'm not over it yet and I probably won't be for some time. And in the future when he upsets me, I'm always going to come back to this moment as well to show how frustrating and rude he is.

Nothing like a hot steaming cup of bitch-fest to wake you up in the morning.

Frustrated

I always have the energy and the train of thought to write during the morning while at work, but when I get home, I'm too tired to think and I never get around to it. But today I had a small inclination to write so I figured I best get on the computer before I lose it.

So what's on my mind these days? Not much; this and that; and yet I'm sure I'll rant endlessly about something. For starters, the ex-boyfriend. No, I do not want to get back with him, nor has either of us breached this topic. It's just not going to happen. We shall remain friends, but it's turning out that we won't be as close as I had previously hoped. And is that a good thing or not? I don't really know yet. I thought it would be nice to have a friend that knows so much about me, but then, since we're exes, maybe it's not a good idea? Anyway, I've felt frustrated with him lately.

I first noticed that I was frustrated with him at the beginning of October. A friend of everyone's had moved back to New Jersey and he was in town for a 4-day weekend the first weekend of October. We were all at a restaurant/bar on Friday night. There was about four or five of us and after the first hour, the drinking began. Upon our friend's dive into inebriation, Daniel chuckled and sighed in a I-give-up sort of way and said, It's going to be one of those nights. And at that statement, I had a moment of clarity. I was suddenly SO frustrated with Daniel and his late-night habits. Night after night he stays up all night and barely sleeps; then he trudges in to work either sleep deprived or hung over. He always says he needs to get a regular schedule or that he should cut back, but when crunch time comes, he chokes. When he said that he felt it was the start of another "one of those nights," I wanted to go off on him. I wanted to tell him that he was being ridiculous. It only becomes "one of those nights" because he lets it. He could simply chose to say, No, not tonight, and then go home. But does he? No. He stays out. He makes a conscious decision to stay out and drink the night away and then he whines that he had another of those nights. Bullshit! It's all bullshit and I was, at that moment, exhausted by it. He has the choice to stay out or go home, and he never goes home. (And frankly, on the odd occasion that he does, he drinks a bottle of wine by himself.) He just lets the current of the night take him off on a stupor when he could just freakin' say, No thanks, I should get home now. BUT HE DOESN'T. And that's what is so frustrating to me.

And I came really close to saying it too. But I held off because I was in a sour mood and tired from work and knew that if I said anything, my tone would definitely have been rude. And ever since then, when I see his Facebook status, his mobile uploads and hear stories from friends, I feel this frustration. You'd think I wouldn't because I'm not involved with him anymore. I guess it's because part of me still cares and I don't want to see him this way. A mutual friend of ours told me once that an intervention wouldn't even help him.

He also has this bar etiquette that frustrated me even when we did date. I can agree with some of it sometimes. But the way he latches on to it is part of the problem.
These bar rules of his are: 1) If someone buys you a drink, you MUST drink it.
I realize that if someone wants to be gracious and buys you one, sure, don't be rude and except it. But that you MUST drink it? What if you don't like it? I say this because there were a few times when somebody bought rounds of something (god knows what) for the table and it was awful. I did not want it. I tried it, but I did not want to make myself gag down the rest. When Daniel gets drunk, he gets loud and repetitive and he would keep telling me that I needed to finish it.
2) Always finish your drink.
Even if it's just the watered down bit from the ice. He would tell me that I still had some of my drink left. Geez. Only when he knew he was already too far gone would he leave the last of his beer behind.

And this all brings me to what frustrated me most. His idea of a good time is going out and drinking until you can't remember the night. I, on the other hand, really don't like drinking. I'll have one or two and call it quits. And I think the fact that there was still someone sober in the room made him want to make me drink even more. It's like he can't have other people around him that aren't drinking too. If he's drinking heavily, then damnit, everyone should be.

And this last bit isn't just Daniel. I want to ask: Why do people always get so shocked that I wouldn't want to drink? Why?? I really want to know. To each his own, but no... I'm not drinking? That's just weird! Puh-lease. Why can't people just say, Oh, OK and move on? I don't like how heavy drinking makes me feel. NO, it's not that I've drank so much that I'm sick now... I rarely drink to that point. Most alcohol just makes me feel bad. Most of the time it's beer. I can drink liquor and some wine. Although Merlot will have me on the floor in no time! I just don't like the feeling of bloating, dizziness etc. And if something makes someone feel bad, they don't do it. 

So to everyone who pressures their friend into drinking more than they want to, I have this to say: Back the hell off. They said no so drop it. What? You can't handle being wasted on your own so you need to drag someone down with you? Why can't you be happy that you've got a designated driver for the night?

So yeah, there's my rant. The whole alcohol thing played right into a part of Daniel that frustrates me. And now that we're not dating, I don't have to put up with it and thus I can vent now. I suppose that's plenty for now. I'm sure there was something else I wanted to write about, but I think this went on long enough.

Lunch with the ex

The now ex-boyfriend who I had lunch with Sunday was dressed up. I did not expect that at all. He was wearing the nice long-sleeve button up shirt for work that I had bought him several months ago, tucked in with a belt. Wow. This from the guy who once took me shopping in his wife-beater. His hair was trimmed too. He looked nice. His brown eyes were amplified by the brown shirt he wore. He also looked tired. He said he'd been sick and still felt kind of blah. But being tired, kind of softened his eyes too.

Frick. He was adorable.

I had sweated over what to wear. I didn't want to look TOO nice, lest he think I was desperately hoping he'd notice because I want him back so badly. No no. Can't have that look. Mostly because I don't want him back right now. (Perhaps in the future when he's matured and decides that if he wants me in his life as more than a friend, and has altered his bad habits to woo me back...and given that I'm still single...then maybe I would. But not now.) But I also didn't want to dress down too much either. It was Sunday afterall and we were meeting at an Italian restaurant. So I opted for a very nice white blouse with my skinny jeans. But upon seeing him, I felt under-dressed. But for the record, he thought I dressed up too. Whew.

There was no relationship talk. But it was still awkward in the beginning. It almost felt like a first date! And there was a moment here and there where... well you know, I could tell he missed me. I almost wish I had shown that I missed him too. And now I keep thinking about him.

I know I can't get back together with him. And my friends tell me this too. I suppose it was harder to see him so soon after all. But I didn't get that anxious, butterfly, falling-sensation in my chest when I saw him. That's a good indicator that I'm probably okay. If I had felt that, then that would mean trouble. (Danger, Will Robinson, danger!) That feeling in my chest would've meant that I was not over him at all yet. And seeing him would've been difficult.

When we hugged good-bye, I must admit, it felt nice. Very nice. (Sigh.)

Break-Up

It's over. The boyfriend and I broke up on August 14th. We dated for a year and two weeks.

This is coming a little late, but understandably I did not feel very much like blogging, writing, going out, talking, or sometimes eating, for a good while. I really don't even feel like getting into it again so here's the short short version:

1) He said he hasn't changed how he feels since the talk about him cheating on me back in June. He still feels sexually attractive to other women and doesn't want to risk hurting me again like he already did once.

2) He admits he has a lot of maturing to do.

3) We both agree that we had become each other's best friend besides the romantic attachment. This makes it difficult, but he wants to be able to become just friends in the future. He said he does NOT not want to never see me again.

4) He gave back the stuff I had at his apartment.

And that was how it ended. Except that instead of doing this in the privacy of his home, like a guy should if you've been dating more than 6 months, he did this in public. Sure he probably thought it would help keep a scene from starting, but that's hardly fair to me, who can't help crying anyway. So not cool.

So I was a mess and hurt and crying for a good couple of days and nights. Then (for many more reasons that I can't explain or don't want to get into) I slowly begin to realize maybe it is all for the best. And maybe it's also because I went through what felt like a breakup over a month ago. The shock of the breakup was not so great because of what I already went through recently. If this all came at once, then I would be much worse off.

I have begun to see how being just friends would be better. I do know him well. I know things about him and his family...as a really good friend would. I'm also pretty sure that I wouldn't have as many qualms about telling him the blunt truth about whatever because I no longer need to worry about his feelings as a girlfriend would. Now I only need to worry as a friend. When he drinks too heavily, I'll be able to sternly tell him to stop being an ass. (Oooh. That'll probably feel good to say.)

Now I've been sadly single for two weeks. Last week I got a random text from him after 7 days of silence. He just wanted to know where he could get his hair cut on a Sunday. Hmmm. Friend stuff I guess. But today, I get a text from him asking to meet him for lunch. I can't today, I already have plans with my friend Nicole. So plans are for tomorrow.

I know, many women out there would probably yell at me that it's not a good idea. But relax. I do not want to get back together with him. Mostly, it's my curiosity that's got the better of me. I haven't seen him in two weeks. I wonder how I'll feel when I do finally see him again. (It might not be good. Surely it will be awkward.) But I am simply curious as to why he wants to meet for lunch. Perhaps he really just wants to get the friend train moving. Or possibly he does have an ulterior motive. But I won't know that unless I go.

So go I shall.


"Curiouser and curiouser." -- Alice in Wonderland

After 5 months of coasting on my savings (that quickly began to sink this last month) and looking for a job, I found one! And it's full-time work too.

Yep, I am rejoining the drudgery that is a 40 hour work-week. I accepted a job at Basin Healthcare Center (a new mini-hospital that opened in February) as the new morning receptionist. And when I say morning, boy do I mean morning. We're talking BEFORE the ass-crack of dawn. Today was my first day, and this week I'll be working an average day of 8am to 5pm. But next Monday I'll be starting my permanent shift of 5:45am to 2:15pm. (Pause to absorb the horror of 5:45AM.)

I have no idea how I'm going to do it. I was unprepared for this time slot. The ad in the paper said nothing to the effect of a super early-ass shift. But what was I going to say when they offered me the job? No thank you; I don't want to get up that early? (Sigh.) I need a job because I need money and I was tired of interviewing and submitting resumes to no avail for the last two months. I took the early-ass job.

For 5 months now, I've been quite the night owl...staying up til 2 or 3 in the morning most days and sleeping in till noon, sometimes 1. This was a fine fit for being with my boyfriend who works 1:30pm to 10:30pm. But now... I'm not going to see him as much on a weekday. :(

I can barely wake up by 11:30am right now. Getting up to be at work at 8am was difficult. How am I going to get up at 4:30am??

Wonder how I'll handle it...

First day:

"Let's go!"
7:50am

5:15pm

Back on track

Well things seem to be hunky-dory again with the boyfriend. The last week of June and the first two weeks of July were awful. I felt terrible, anxious, sick a couple of times, and worried. And I really hate feeling those things. Luckily we didn't take a break because I honestly feel that is relationship suicide. Things were slightly awkward for a while though.

I was (and am still) afraid to delve further into it. I don't want to open a can of worms. Things have felt back to normal now, and that's good. We're back to saying the "I love you"s and spending every day together again.

We even celebrated our one year anniversary on July 31. It doesn't feel like it's been a year. Wow. I've never been with anyone this long before. I'm breaking all kinds of records for myself. 

The only thing I dread now is my new job's schedule. I'm never going to see him (just about) on a weekday anymore. And that suuuuucks. I hate this whole scenario.

Just preposterous

Why...why...WHY are there Christmas ornaments already out at Hallmark? This is definitely one of my pet peeves. I will try to explain why this bothers me so much.

First of all...it's summer! It is July, people. JULY! We are currently in the middle of hot-as-hell summer, and Hallmark thinks this is a super time to put up Christmas stuff? I do not understand this company's reasoning. I thought last year proved that displaying Christmas stuff earlier did nothing to change consumer spending. We don't care if it's available in summer. We do not think about Christmas until October...generally. Even then (at least me) only think about Halloween first. I refuse to acknowledge the green and red displays until after Halloween.

Who gave this winter holiday permission to encroach on our summer? Doesn't anyone realize that December, and winter, feels more special and magical when it's just once a year? Hallmark...and you too, Hobby Lobby...are ruining this special time by shoving this holiday down our throats in the middle of the summer. I refuse to be a part of this catastrophe. I absolutely will not purchase anything Christmas related until November.

Maybe I'm getting old (and I'm not that old!) but I actually remember a time when I was a kid, when Christmas didn't happen until the day after Thanksgiving...in November. Halloween was Halloween, in October, and not over-shadowed by Christmas. I'm thankful that in the past couple of years, Halloween has fought back and people now buy black and orange decorations and experience the fun October holiday that is Halloween once again. Halloween, you rock!

Too bad Thanksgiving doesn't have a leg to stand on. The idea that it came from the first pilgrims eating turkey and mashed potatoes with Native Americans at Plymouth Rock is all hogwash. And I think most Americans realize that now. So it's nothing but a day where we are obligated to engage in uncomfortable, awkward dinners with family...most often with alcohol. Oh yeah, and football. So as you can see, Thanksgiving can't really fight against Christmas. But that's okay...at least for me. Thanksgiving is the Christmas kick-off, and I'm okay with that. It lets us experience the holiday season for a good two months...because the fun doesn't really stop until New Year's Eve.

But Christmas in July??? No way, Jose. Preposterous. I will not tolerate this. Why does this holiday get to take over half the year? It's not special when it lasts six months. Why am I the only one who gets this?  Nobody needs a Capt. Kirk or Barbie ornament six months before Christmas.

You know what? I've decided that I'd like to celebrate my birthday for six months of the year. Heck, why not make it all year! I know my birthday isn't until the spring, but that won't deter me. I'd like you all to go and buy me gifts now. Just a hint, I'd like some iTunes gift cards, please.

Hmmm, you know Hallmark, if you held out until November, like you used to so long ago, people won't know what's going on. They'll feel the need to stock up on Christmas decorations. With only November and December to purchase Christmas stuff, people will be in a frenzy to spend, spend, SPEND. It may help your bottom line to hold out on the goods for a few months. There's nothing like a little, or a lot, of demand. And I'm sure you've got plenty of supply. You must, afterall, you have enough stuff to stock stores for half a year. So think about it. You may thank me later.

All becomes clear

After the initial sorrow passed, I read through some of my old posts here about my boyfriend. When I came to June 15's "It all started with a text message," all became clear. Those foreboding text messages he sent that had me so confused and worried...that's the week IT happened. Possibly the day after. It just all makes sense now. Him wondering what will happen to us.... Saying we could live together forever, but then maybe not.... His confusing musings make complete sense now. I know that I once wanted to know what brought it all on; talk about getting what you asked for.

Is it better to be in the dark about something like this and continue living your happy, bubbly life; or is it better to know the truth?

Healing begins

Day 4: Wounds are scabbing over.

But I'm gonna have scars. I am feeling better. Last night I went over to his place when he got off work. Despite everything, I still wanted to see him; but I still felt kinda awkward at first. It took me a moment standing outside his door before I knocked. He asked if there was anything else I needed to say or ask him. So I took the opportunity to tell him that I was angry at him for the obvious reasons, that I felt like the wind was knocked out of me, but also because I had felt like we were so close to taking that next big step by moving in together, and now, I have no idea when or if that will happen. We were so far in our relationship and now it seems we have to start all over again...and it's his fault.

He said that I make him happy, and all he wants to do is make me happy, and that I'm the sweetest girl and there was no worse thing he could've done to hurt me than what he did. I said, I would agree. He then said that he wants to tell me he loves me and do sweet things, but wasn't sure if I was ready for that yet. I was glad to hear him say that because I was just thinking about the "I love you" on the phone in my last post.

My answer? I said that I didn't feel ready to say it back yet, but I would like to hear it from him. He's the one who screwed up and he needs to be showing that he's sorry and loves me and is going to make things right between us. I need to feel loved and wanted and he needs to prove to me that this is what he wants. If he wants to keep me, he should show it.

So last night, we lounged and watched TV and he held me. He later on said that he wanted to kiss me and my neck, all like he used to, but waited to see if that's what I wanted. And it wasn't. I wasn't ready to just start pretending this didn't happen. I'm still healing and am very sore. I told him I just wanted to be held. We fell asleep for about an hour after that.

It would seem I'm on the path to recovery.

Sad and angry

Day 3: Still dwelling and hurting and confused.

Despite everything, I recently had a thought brought on by all of my questions and venting. For some reason, I'm afraid I'll lose him. Doesn't make sense, right? He should be worried he'll lose me. And damn it, he needs to start rebuilding the trust NOW. The little things are causing me grief and stress. Last time we talked on the phone, he didn't end the conversation with "I love you," like he always does. I know I'm brokenhearted and angry, but he needs to grovel! He needs to keep saying I love you. I know I can't say it back right now, but that doesn't change the fact that I need to hear it from him. He is supposed to be proving that he's going to make this better and by backing off makes me think he doesn't want to fight to keep me. Fight dammit!

I'm not the one who is supposed to worry he'll just give up and lose me. This was his mistake and he needs to worry about losing me and what he can do to keep me, how to make me trust him again, and to prove he really does love me. Without that, why should I forgive him? I need to see lots of remorse and sucking up. Is that so hard? Is that really too much to ask? I think not.

Perhaps he is giving me time to calm down and collect my thoughts. And maybe he's also scared. I'm scared too. He's been my boyfriend for almost 11 months and now I can't look him in the eye and I feel awkward sitting next to him...like when we first started dating. And I think it's because I feel like I don't know him anymore; not like I used to. And this makes me so angry, I cry.

He ruined everything! Everything we had built up...gone. Just like that. We were so close to moving in together. Not gonna happen now. Who knows when we'll be back to where we were in our relationship at the beginning of the month. For all I know, it could take another 11 months. And THAT makes me angry too! It's not fair! This isn't where we were supposed to be with our one year anniversary around the corner.

I guess the point of all of this ranting is that I need him to prove to me that he's going to do whatever is necessary to win me back, to show that he will rebuild the trust, and fight to make me love him again...the way I did before this mess. Because if he's not, then why should I invest so much emotion and time into working on forgiving him and moving on? And I want him to want to win me back so much. I want my heart to mend. I want him to earn my love back. And if he doesn't, I don't think my heart can break into any smaller pieces, but it just may.

Love should be enough

They won't stop. The tears will come at any moment's notice. I'll be sitting in my chair on the computer with my iTunes playing and suddenly I feel my muscles clenching and the hot, salty tears begin anew. Sure I cry when I think about it, but I'm getting to the point where I could distract myself briefly...or so I thought.

So many things are still running through my head. I did manage to say some of the things I knew I needed to get out and hard questions I almost couldn't get out of my throat. I could've said more, asked a few more questions...but while he was sitting next to me, some just didn't come out.

I had to ask it. I asked if he still loved me. He said he never stopped. But he also said sometimes love isn't enough. I was too busy trying to get a hold of my convulsions to yell back, WHY? Why isn't it? If you love a person, that love should influence the decisions and choices you make...so how could it have come to this?

I suppose I'm supposed to take solace in that fact that this wasn't an on-going affair. It was one night. But still...

His guilt racked him for the next week before he told me. That was the vibe I was picking up on. I didn't know what was bothering him until Monday. He says he wanted to tell me sooner, but this last weekend I had a reunion to attend and he was my date...so naturally he didn't think it was good timing for this to come out right before that. I guess I should give him a small ounce of credit for telling me and being honest instead of keeping it a secret that could one day resurface in the most ugly way after we moved in together.

I am still sorting out my emotions. I've told him I want to forgive him, but trust is going to take a long time to build back up, and he has to promise to prove to me that he's going to earn it back. I really hope that seeing me in such despair will knock him to his senses should anything happen in the future. He said nothing has ever made him cry so much as this. He seems sincere, I think I still believe him when he says he's always loved me and will love me always. I just hope that my reaction and pain will be his lesson learned.

Btw: Love SHOULD be enough.

Brokenhearted

Oh God, vibes never lie. I was right, and I hate that I was right. Remember earlier when I wrote about feeling vibes that something was bothering my boyfriend, that something was wrong or off? Stupid vibes were right.

"I have been unfaithful."

My mind won't stop replaying that god-awful sentence delivered to me just this morning. The following, well, I'm not sure how much time passed at all. But in that time, there was a lot of long, quiet pauses where I cried and tried to think of the next thing to say; the next question to ask. He had to go to work and asked if he should call me when he got off. Not wanting to end this conversation...cry-fest, whatever, in the middle of things, I said yes. And I've been in bed since.

That's what I do. I become lethargic, tired, depressed and all I want is to fall into bed and cry myself to sleep. I didn't even listen to any music for the first five hours. If you knew me, you'd know that's really something. I was nauseous for a bit too. I tried to think about everything that's going to need to be said and asked, but I can't get passed the crying stage long enough to think about it properly.

What do you do if you still love the guy who cheated on you?


The whole thing started when he wanted to talk "relationship" talk. He went on to say that he loves me, I make him happy, and he loves getting to wake up with me in his arms and spend the day doing boring every day things with me. And so, he seriously suggested moving in together.
But then he said there's one problem...... "I've been unfaithful."

I was completely blindsided by this. I had no idea and no real clues that actual cheating happened. I could feel the insides of my chest, in the sternum area, twisting and bubbling. I felt that uncomfortable tender-on-the-skin like when you get sick kind of prickliness. It was later when I got in bed that I started to feel the nausea. I managed to sleep briefly for a good hour. At least, I think it was an hour. It was long enough for me to have a dream and then wake up feeling like I was having an anxiety attack.

HOW COULD HE? He's ruined everything now. I'm so utterly brokenhearted. How are we supposed to have that wonderful relationship and move in together now?? The trust is gone. And god help me, I really want to forgive and forget, but I can't do that so easily. I must admit that I felt a tiny drop of satisfaction at telling him that if we'd only been dating a couple of months (and not 11 months) I probably would've just dumped him...and went on to say that moving in together would be a bad idea... and then seeing him close his eyes as the realization of what he's done hits him and tears fall down his cheeks.

Most advice on the Internet says you should just leave a cheater...however, every relationship is different and if you do choose to forgive and take them back, you have to accept that they are a cheater and may do it again. But I will break into a thousand small pieces with no hope of becoming whole again if he cheats once more.

I don't know what to do.

I hate cover letters

They can be torture to write sometimes. Yes, business professionals will always tell you that a cover letter is necessary. It will make you stand out from the rest of the applicants. If your resume is only ho-hum, your cover letter could get you the job. But I still loathe writing them.

Each cover letter has to be specific for the job you're applying to. It can't be a generic one you send to everyone. Apparently recruiters have a need to feel special and if they think you're toying with their emotions by sending them an obvious generic cover letter that's not all about them, your resume is in the trash by the first paragraph.

The pressure is on. It took me two days (not the full 24 hours in each day of course) to write out a stinkin cover letter for a job in San Antonio. I think I spent the first couple of hours trying to write the first sentence. Then I stared at a blank word document for another good two hours. Agh! I'll come back to it later, I said. When I did eventually go back, I got another sentence written. But then, I couldn't think how to flow into my next line of thought without an abrupt change of pace. That's the most difficult part, I think...going from introductions to the main plot.

I scoured the Internet for ideas. I Googled "cover letters" and read through cover letter samples and took pieces of several hoping to weave them together into a cohesive letter that would become my own. In the end I found the basics for any cover letter. You need three basic elements, or three basic paragraphs.
1) Why you are writing.
2) Why you are a good fit for this position. (It helps to list their requirements and how you fit them.)
3) How you will follow up.

And let's not forget to add just a small dash of flattery. I also researched the company's website and added a line that included information from their mission statement and how I agreed with it, showing how well I'd fit in with them.

Too bad the best cover letter I wrote is lost. It was written two years or so ago. I don't know what happened to the file. Maybe it was on my last computer before it crashed. I really could've used it as a jumping off point. But in the end, I finally got this new letter written. I don't know if it's the best cover letter. Probably not. But at least I don't think it stinks.

You know, I get that recruiters want a sense of your style before they call you in for an interview. They can't always get that from just a resume. The resume could be flawless, but if you screw up in a cover letter, they won't be calling. It's such a shame, really. A cover letter tells how you could be a good fit for a job, but in the end, you're really just trying to get a job. A cover letter is nothing but a fancy letter explaining why you and your resume should be given a chance because you really need a decent paying job. That's all.

That being said, below are two cover letter examples for your reading enjoyment. The one on the left is the actual cover letter I wrote, with phone numbers and my address changed of course. I left the company's info because I got that information right off their web-page and so could anyone else. The second on the right is a screwy letter I wrote for fun...what a cover letter really is.
(I think if you click on them, they should enlarge.)

Outlook sunny...for now

So.... Yeah. So much drama in the last post. But I still feel justified in my feelings at the time. It's important to be prepared for anything in a relationship; or so I've recently learned.

Today we woke to a nice morning, albeit early. He had to travel out of town for work today so I stayed over last night so I could see him at least for a little while before he headed out. As he's packing, or rather simply putting a few articles of clothing into a duffel bag, he says in passing that we should try living together. I'm sure this is from my staying over and him getting to wake to me by his side. (He says he enjoys that every time it happens.) I suppose this means that thoughts (scary thoughts) of a possible breakup is no more, or never was.

Whew. Can't tell you what a relief it is. However, even though the outlook is sunny again, I still worry that he'll succumb to another cloudy mood and if so, my emotions are still fragile. I'll probably snap.

I wonder if we could live together. I'm sure with anybody new, it takes work to learn to share space. But I think we can do it. And I think I'd rather enjoy it. (I just need a job first. Sadly, I'm still job hunting. And it sucks.)

It all started with a text message

I am so confused I want to cry. (And I did.)
It was an average evening with an average hour wasted away on Facebook. Everything was smooth sailing until...

It all started with a text message.
"I wonder what will happen to us, and wonder it often."

Abruptly my evening went from casual happy-go-lucky to heavy...heavy and boding. With this little text I suddenly felt everything drop. I don't know why...it was simple enough. We all wonder what will happen in a relationship. We had talked about me trying to find work and one position I applied for is in a town that's a 6 hour drive away. And then he said, if I got that job, it'd give him an excuse to move with me outta our hometown. (Outlook sunny.)
So does, I wonder what will happen to us, mean that's he pondering on what will happen if one of us moves, or is he just thinking about how long we've been together and is naturally wondering where it'll continue to go. But I felt foreboding. This conversation was not going to be good. I get vibes. And often they're usually right.

I ask, "What are you wondering about?"
Response: "I think we could spend years together, if not forever. But I also am not sure we're truly compatible for anything semi-permanent."
(Outlook cloudy.)

What? My body is tensing, my skin is prickly, and I stare at my phone's screen. For a moment I'm frozen in time, and then the floodgates burst. Not compatible? How? I've never felt that we were so incompatible that it could jeopardize our relationship. We're both laid back, we like similar music, we make each other laugh, we like spending time with each other doing boring things like shopping and chores. (I always figured spending an entire day doing boring, mundane things together was a good test to see how well you could stand being with a person.) We're compatible romantically, and we both have similar views on life in general. At least, I thought we did.

So what is this question of compatibility coming from? I'm so confused. I know this must sound superficial, but one of the first things I think of is lifestyle; drinking specifically. He likes to drink every weekend. Sometimes on weekdays, but not always. I'm not so much of a drinker. I'll have one, maybe two, and call it quits. But that can't be it. Really? Over my not drinking as much? Impossible. He once said that the worst person to be in a bar is either the most sober or the most drunken. Anything in the middle is good. All of my friends are usually in the middle. He wouldn't really dump me because I'm the most sober one, I tell myself. If we were both drunken sots every weekend, I'd hate to imagine us both trying to drive home. At least with me being the sober one, I get to be designated driver and we all win. Okay, this crazy idea of drinking compatibility goes in the trash.

Now I didn't forget about the first half of that message. Some part of him believes we could spend years together. (If not forever.) That's a good sign, but it's tainted by the remainder of the text. What good is a rainbow if there's a tornado behind it?

How would you respond? I have no experience with this. I've never been in a true, loving relationship before. I've never been with the same person beyond 4 months before. Now I'm in a relationship that's lasted over 10 months. What do I say? I sit and sit and stare. Nothing good comes to mind. So I figure the best thing would be to respond with another question, at least to keep the ball rolling. I send back (and I paraphrase), 'Is it because we've never talked about anything super serious yet? I always figured we would eventually, maybe when it happened naturally in conversation or something.'

Response: "Maybe partly. I just always feel mercurial and driven/dragged to varied impulses that don't lend themselves to consistency."

What??? Okay, I know he's a good writer, but now he's got me stumped. I had to search an online dictionary for the word, mercurial. (Changeable; volatile; fickle; flighty; erratic.) In layman's terms, does this mean that every time he envisions the future, it's different depending on the day or his mood? Frankly, that's all I can figure out. I don't know what to do. And where is this all coming from, by the way? I'm at a loss. I simply write back, "Is there anything I can do?"

Response: "Darling, you're so wonderful I sometimes think I'm a fool I haven't yet asked you to marry me. But other times I don't want anything to do with anyone at all."

(Pregnant pause.) This is where I start to cry. I'm so utterly confused. Can he be any more bipolar?
First sentence first: Marry me? Really? He's thought that? Wow. I'll admit, I've let my mind wander before and a few times it's been along those lines. Just not right now, of course. But in the future? I've entertained the idea one or two times.
But I've also always felt it was a good idea to date a person for at least a good, long year before you start really thinking about that. And despite what some have said, I like the idea of living together first. Some say that you shouldn't until you are married; that those who move in before marriage is on the table have a greater chance of breaking up. But I say, moving in with someone gives you a full look at how life with this person would be on a daily basis. If you like what you see, then the chances are good that you'll stay together. If not, it might be a good thing you didn't get married. I will also admit that I've played "house" a few times in my head too; what it would be like to share a house together, buy furniture together, entertain guests in our home, buy groceries and cook together, visit our families together (as in-laws)...The idea has never turned me off. They've always been nice little "what-ifs."

So what does "I don't want anything to do with anyone" mean?  Have I mentioned yet that, I'm confused? What am I supposed to do? And in all of this time trying to sort out what's going through his head, he's texted me again. "I don't mean to be so reflective or melancholy today. I was just trying to project life forward & being unsure of the path ahead." 

Well, I can understand that he'd want to know where life was taking us. And as for being unsure of the path ahead...we are all in that boat together. Nobody knows what's going to happen. The path ahead of each and every one of us is unsure. I decide it's time I wrote something back that says how I feel. I tell him that I think he's wonderful, that he's been patient and sweet to me, I sometimes wonder what more I can do for him, and that I've seen hermit-like tendencies in a lot of guys and thought it somewhat normal. (This in reference to his comment on not having anything to do with anyone.)

He said, "It's more than hermitage, darling, but I haven't got the right idea of how to explain it." (By this point, I've got a tissue in hand and am blowing my nose.) I have to wonder if he thinks this is a routine relationship conversation or if he's seriously considering breaking up. (This is where my neck and jaw muscles hurt from holding back out-right balling. I relive the pressure and indulge myself in full-on sobbing.) I once read somewhere that a guy gets married, not necessarily when he meets "the one," but when he reaches that time in his life when he decides he is ready to get married, and by then he could be with someone else. Naturally, I'm now worried that he's decided he's not ready for that level of commitment and in the future when he is ready, I won't be the one with him. Is that what's happening? God, I hope not. I have to respond now. Not fully understanding where this is going to end up and too afraid to state the obvious, I say, "Let me know when you do, cuz I'm a bit confused. I'm also feeling weird and worried." 

Okay, now he knows I'm worried, but doesn't know just how much of a basket-case I've become. I know, I know. He needs to know how upset I'll be if he's considering the dreaded "B" word. At the same time though, I fear that maybe by mentioning it, this whole thing will escalate into something more than he maybe meant it to be. I don't want to make it worse. His response, "Well I love you, and I'd love to watch a movie with you tonite if you have one, or even share your company with nothing in particular on TV." 


That night, I went over to his place, expecting...well, nothing. I've lost all grip on what to expect now. But the night was like any night. It seems our deep conversations are saved for texting, not in person. We watch a DVD of a TV show for almost two hours and proceed to have one of the best nights ever...followed by a good morning. He even commented on how great the night was, that it was exceptionally better than most nights.

And now another day has passed and still no sight of another frightening conversation. Even so, I'm having trouble keeping up an appetite. When I get nervous and anxious and worried, I lose my appetite. Anytime I think on this, my stomach goes on strike. Is this going to rear its ugly head again when I least expect it? Probably. And that's what's killing me. I just don't know what's going through his head. He says he thinks we could spend forever together, but that we're not compatible for anything semi-permanent. What's a girl to do with that? 

Today, I've come to a wavering conclusion that there's really nothing I can say at this point without making this situation worse. If he's not truly contemplating the awful "B" word, then I certainly don't want to bring it up. I suppose all I can do now is be myself and show him just how great a girlfriend I am so that he'll see how wonderful it is to have me in his life. I think that's all I can do for now...try to give him every reason to stay.

The not-so successful life after college

I don't think there's anything else in this grown-up world that I detest more than the silent soul-crusher that is job hunting.

When I was in elementary school, I was told and always knew one day I'd be in junior high. Then in junior high, I always knew I'd be in high school soon. And in high school, I always knew and was told that I would go to college. And so the day came and I went to college. And while in college, I was told and led to assume that after graduation, I would be getting a job that would lead to a career and I would be employed and making money doing something related to what I was going to school for. Well we all know what happens when you assume.

Turns out I was set up for a big let down. It was all lies! Damnable lies. Hardly anyone I know actually has a job in their degree field. Many people I know (including me) couldn't find work right out of college. Everything was always step by step in the (what I thought was) the correct direction. The path to success...the path that is known and understood. Not the scary pot-hole ridden path in the opposite direction.

Graduation was the edge of the plateau. There was no continuous mountain path upward. There was just graduation from college and then a big, steep roll downward. Resumes and blasted cover letters abounded. But I was hit with the same confounding response everywhere I went; Employers wanted to hire someone with at least 2 years experience. But how was I to get 2 years experience if noone would hire me??

So the bubble burst on the idea of working for an advertising agency right out of college. Either they wanted experience or they were a small company that had no openings. Later on while I had a crummy sales job, I job-hunted on the side...hoping to find anything better that didn't rely on a commission-based salary. In interviews I'd regurgitate the same spiel of information. Each interview picked at my life force. I realized I had nothing to say except to recite my academic past. I had no family of my own, I had no kids (but thank goodness I'm not a single mom), and I hadn't traveled the world. My life was my stupid resume.

So the rundown is this; after a move back to my hometown, a lack-luster job at a newspaper, a crappy job at a movie theater, and a stressful go-nowhere job in god-awful sales, I took up a new class at a community college. Finally, I was back in an environment where I understood the world. But the outside's evil eye was always boring into the back of my skull. It was there and waiting. I couldn't hide back in academia for long. So I'm now back at the plateau, gazing down again, knowing I have to tuck and roll once more.

(Sigh) Hopefully this time I'll avoid the larger rubble.

Potential Energy

I was randomly perusing other blogs and this one caught my eye. I enjoy reading it and there's been one or two posts I felt I understood well or connected with a bit. Enjoy her writing here:
Potential Energy

Uncharted waters

Sailing the waters of a relationship is hard. You never know when you'll have clear skies and smooth water or when you'll have murky water with a looming thunderstorm on the horizon. Or worse, the threatening hurricane. "Thar she blows!"

It's another sleepy night with a weird feeling. I was watching a movie with my boyfriend tonight. When I went over to his place, everything felt like the same ol' same ol.' After the movie, and we were both very tired, he was lying there half asleep; however, the look on his face also looked like he was thinking...possibly like he could be troubled. Of course, he could just be half asleep. But I was tired too, and was starting to worry. Cuz that's what I do, apparently. He didn't look 100% completely satisfied so I immediately began thinking of everything I could do or hadn't done. Did I say anything during the night that I shouldn't have said? I sometimes do without realizing it as it escapes from my mouth. But at least it's never anything super bad. But my worried, anxious, neurotic mind is like super-grow to these tiny seeds of doubt and it grows way out of proportion.

Lots of little things rushed into the forefront of my thoughts: Do I say "I love you" enough? (I have a hard time expressing meaningful things sometimes due to my rather emotionally closed-off childhood.) Do I do enough little things to show him I care? Do I do too much and risk smothering him? Am I too nonchalant about important issues because I don't want him to think I'm turning into a crazy commitment-for-life seeking woman? And the answer to all of this jumbled mess is, I'm scared. I've never been in a relationship for this long before. I'm sailing uncharted waters. Bigger questions rise to the surface after all of the smaller ones. Bigger ones like: Should I start looking for potential long-term clues? Should I consider trying to make this relationship go for the gold or should I start re-charting? Have past issues with the opposite sex led me to think if I find a good one, I should just hang onto it, even if there could be a better one out there? Or is this the better one and I just don't fully realize it yet?

What am I more scared of: losing him or being alone? And there is a difference. Being alone means the unthinkable (breaking up with him) and then never finding another big fish. Losing him means he throws me back when I don't want to go.

And the funny thing is, the more mundane, domesticated type stuff we do together, the more I begin to imagine us doing even more mundane, domesticated type stuff, and then I panic that I'm going to lose that...that he'll grow tired of it and decide he's had enough. And I suppose the fact that I'm stressing about this means I really do love him. Why else would I start to worry that it'll all end? (Oh geez, I'm tearing up a bit.)
The hardest part is talking to him about all of this because as I've already said earlier, I'm worried this will scare him off. (And because I'm worried I'll scare him off must mean that I don't want him to go anywhere.) It'd be nice if this ship had a navigator. But alas, I'm on my own and nobody can tell me what to do.

So what do I want? Where does it all stand right now? Well, I think I really love him...a lot. And I certainly don't want him jumping ship. Do I want to seek further commitment? I dunno. It's too soon. We haven't even dated for a year yet. But what about in another year from now? .................. Perhaps. All I know right now at this moment is, as I go to sleep, I'd really like snuggle him close like a teddy bear. Is that my answer?

Summing up the issue

I just read a forum on the Internet about a mom who is frustrated with the current illegal immigration issue and has decided to remove all Spanish cartoons from her home. She hopes to bring new cultures to the table for her children to learn about. Now before you go saying that she must be racist or full of hatred, as some of the people commenting on her story have called her, she went on to say that she herself CHOSE to take Spanish when she was in school, but nowadays she feels that the language is being forced down her kids' throats. What ever happened to learning another language? In this global economy, in this future world of mixing cultures, why aren't other languages being taught as much? Well, because so many immigrants these days are coming from Mexico. However, the problem lies with those who never learn the language of our country; English. So here below is something one of the commenters wrote to help explain the current issue with these illegal immigrants. I liked how she described it, or rather, how she heard it described by a radio program. And I think it's a good way to explain things. It rather sums it all up.


"I don't have a problem with spanish speaking people. I have a problem with spanish speaking illegals PERIOD. I heard a scenario the other day on the radio that described the situation perfectly. You wake up in the middle of the night to find a person in your home. You did not invite them and they have broken into your home. You tell them to get out- they say "no". You call the police- they show up, take him away. The next night, the same individual is in your house again. Except this time he has brought a bunch of angry looking protestors to sit on your lawn and yelling that he "deserves to be there in your home". This time he has moved in, he is eating your food, moved your things out on the lawn, and expects you to speak his language. You start to call the police, but he threatens to let all the protestors out on your lawn inside if you complain. That's the exact scenario I see happening in AZ. I'm not letting this scenario into my house."

The many names of Daniel

My boyfriend has many alter-egos and I've named them all based on their personalities. Perhaps over time, I will learn more!


Daniel: This is his normal name. He is Daniel on any given day when he's out running errands, spending time with me and friends, or at work. Daniel is intelligent, has a good sense of humor, generous to his friends and family, and is one of the most helpful, thoughtful guys you'll meet. A car was stalled on the side of the road once and he walked over to see if they needed anything and another time he helped a friend move across the country.

Danny: This is the nickname that he is known by in his family. Actually, it's the name he was always known as until college when he started to go by Daniel instead. I call him Daniel because that's what he went by when I met him. From what I've seen, Danny has a great relationship with his family and it's cute to see him play with his little niece.

Poet: I've sometimes referred to him as my poet, sometimes my drunken poet, when he sends me poetic texts (often at 2am). I've mostly stopped receiving late-night texts because I'm either out with him late at night or he knows I'm at home asleep and he will see me the next day. But here's a few examples of what he's sent me in the past:

“I do so love your mannerisms, rolling, blinking eyes, smiles and laughs with toss of head.”

“Words fail you. Literature falls short of doing you justice.”

"I stay in bed with my beloved until the dark retakes the day. I doze and embrace my pleasure, I sleep and wake still dreaming. Shall we rise and dress, doll-darling? Is it time to leave ourselves? No, your smell is intoxicating; no, your skin warms mine too well. Your touch anywhere inflames me all over, your fingers quicken my heart to pounding. Let’s stay in bed and be patient. Morning and day will come again."

“Ain't you so sweet and mellow and pale white all like snow, but not snow white with her dwarves or dwarfs or however it’s spelled.”

Drunky McDrunkerton: This is his drunken alter-ego. This almost Irish-sounding name fits his good-hearted, drunken charm. Drunky McDrunkerton comes out after he's had a few whiskey sours. He talks a bit louder, he gestures more, and he will get into debates with someone about anything from the latest news to history. He likes history. (To be fair, he could get into a debate at any time, but when we're out at night, he has people to debate with.) He will squeeze my hand or knee and I love it when he twirls my hair. He also starts texting people random thoughts. His closest friends are all on Dave's Drunken Subscription. This alter-ego has fun and will from time to time sing karaoke.

Drunky McGroper: This rather unsavory character is unleashed when Daniel has had WAY too many. Raunchy jokes and an awkward sense of humor are his repertoire. (Genitalia is often referred to.) He sways a bit, he sees double, and he gropes a bit. Don't worry, it's not some poor unsuspecting person at our table; just me. He will tell me (not in earshot of others, thank goodness) what he'd like to do to me when he gets me home. Just the other night, I was walking McGroper outside the bar. I was half hugging, half holding him in place. He was rubbing my arms and feeling up my back when a moment later he stepped away and said with a drunken grin, "Oh, what just happened?" Yep, he unhooked my bra one-handed. I must admit, I worry when I see Drunky McGroper. Thankfully I'm usually the designated driver. And luckily, I do not see this alter-ego much at all. I think it's only been twice since I met him.

Danny Boy: This is Daniel when he's in a goofy mood. He's got boyish charm and I always laugh when Danny Boy comes out to play. Goofing with Danny Boy isn't unlike playing with a child as he hides under the covers to disappear. And something about trying to tickle him drives me wild. (Probably because he's not easy to tickle and when I find that vulnerable spot, I pounce!)

Handsome Brown-Eyed Man: This is his super sweet boyfriend side. HBEM is very much like the characteristics of Daniel, only mainly directed at me. :) He likes to take care of me, he wants to know that I'm happy (and I am), and is all-in-all a great guy.


So there you have it; the many alter-egos of my boyfriend.

Political correctness is the downfall of America

OK, we all know that this country has a large illegal immigrant issue. When Texas and New Mexico stepped up their border patrols in the 1990s, these illegals naturally fled to the US through Arizona. So I can see why they put forth this law; however, I also see the problems with it. I am against the idea that an officer can arrest you for nothing. Yes, nothing. They could ask for your I.D. and if you don't have it with you at that moment, they could arrest you. That's wrong. But like I said, I see why Arizona felt the need to do something drastic. But the state has to know that this will eventually get repealed.

That being said, I would like to explain why I understand Arizona's attempt at this I.D. law. First of all, I'm all for Texas passing a law that you must show your I.D. in order to vote in any election. I don't understand anyone when they say they are against that. Why? This leads into my argument. Something as simple as an I.D. is a start against illegal immigration. Why are so many Americans against this country's attempts to keep illegal immigration at bay? If you are an American citizen, why are you fighting against this country?

It would seem that illegals want everything handed to them for free, including the rights of an American citizen, while they are in fact NOT a citizen. How is this fair to people who are citizens and to other immigrants who came here the legal way? Let's not forget that illegals are here illegally. They are breaking the law. Why is America putting up with this? Oh wait, I know, liberal Democrats need the illegal votes to keep them in office. (haha)

America's biggest flaw right now is all this PC crap. Oh, everyone needs to be nice to everyone else and god forbid we offend anyone. Bah. When I was a kid, we played kickball and dammit, we had a winner. Nowadays, everybody is a winner because it makes other kids feel bad to lose. Well boo-hoo. I lost a lot in school and it sucked. But you know what? It made me want to win and to fight back all the more! And when you've worked hard and you get sweet victory, it feels all the more fantastic because you earned it. That gives people motivation and determination...something we need in this country.

This crap needs to stop. America is afraid of upsetting some Hispanics. I get it. However, America needs to grow its balls back. If you are of Hispanic decent and it's your heritage, then that's great! Celebrate it. Teach it to your children. But if you are also an American citizen, then that's your heritage too. When immigrants came to this country in the 1800s and early 1900s, they at least tried to become American. They at least learned English! Why aren't Hispanic-Americans proud of their country too? Why aren't they fighting against those who are coming here illegally? This illegal immigrant issue is a problem for every citizen, regardless of your heritage. Whatever happened to the mindset that we are all Americans together, regardless of race? I'm starting to wonder if we ever had that. But we certainly need it now.

I could go on and on, but I think I'll just stop here for now.

Little Musings

If we are all God's children, then there's an awful lot of incest going on.

Just Visiting

I've seen a lot of coverage about this illegal immigrant issue lately and I gotta say that the biggest question to ask these illegals is this: "What do you have against becoming a legal citizen?"

From all of the videos and pictures and such that I've seen, like the current issue in Arizona, my theory is that they would not give a straight, honest answer. Not to the liberal news anyway. Some are demanding everything for free without becoming legal citizens. Why is our government allowing this? I'm pretty sure other countries don't put up with this. How fair is it to a legal citizen who must work hard and contribute taxes and social security to see all of these illegal immigrants getting handouts? It's not fair and it just teaches people that they don't have to work hard for anything because if they whine and complain enough, the government will just cave and give them everything they want. And why? They'll say it's because we're America and here, everyone is supposed to get freedoms and rights. And I say yes, LEGAL citizens get freedoms and rights because we're citizens of this country. If you're not a legal citizen, you're just visiting.

Now I'm just guessing, but I think a lot (not all) illegal immigrants want everything for free and for this country to take care of them, but they don't actually want to become citizens. And that's the true problem.

If ANY immigrant wants to live and work here in this country, then by all means, come join America. Just do it the legal way and become a citizen. How hard is that?

Matrix Cuisine

In the movie, the Matrix, our world is just the computer simulator world called the Matrix. Our physical bodies are hooked up to all kinds of tubes in a slimy, gooey liquid-filled pod. Everything we do, see, hear, and interact with is just stimulations to our brains.

So my question goes like this: There is no real food in the matrix. It's all computer simulated to make our brains think we're getting the nutrition we need to live, because as we all know if you die in the matrix, you die in the real world. In the matrix we think we're eating. In the real world, our bodies are getting the liquid goo-type food from an IV to really keep us alive.

So if a person becomes really fat from eating too much in the matrix, does the physical body that's only getting liquid sustenance also get fat? I know that their brain is thinking they are, but in real life, they aren't actually eating all those fatty foods. So do their physical bodies get fat?

Discuss.

A Day in the PhotoLab

When my photography instructor got out her calendar during class yesterday and told us we have two weeks left before the lab closes, I felt a little nauseous. I have a mere fortnight to complete my body of work which is due for finals. First of all, my body of work can only be called a 'body of work' if all of my photos are cohesive in some way, be it similar by the lightning or theme or whatever. Secondly, I must have at least 8 photos but no more than 10. And this body of work is not just print and go. No no. These photos must be spotted and matted. Oh the work ahead of me. Lucikly, I have 4 good photos so far. I also have a fifth, but it's still in the maybe pile. Now it all depends on how many photos I can get out of my last two rolls of film that I developed just this afternoon.

Now this is no digital point and shoot. This is old school black & white photography with film to be loaded. Yes, you heard right. Cameras sometimes use film. No memory cards here. It's a LOT of work to get a good photo. And for you who casually peruse a friend's or relative's photos and just say, "Hmm, those are nice;" let me just say to you that you need to think twice. Consider how much work went into them and only then can you fully appreciate them. Not to mention, it's nice to hear more from people than just, "Those are nice." We photographers need more praise. And here's why:

Here's the rundown of how you get a finished black & white photograph:

1) Get your camera and film.

Here's the camera I use.







For my class, we use Trx-400 black & white film. Very important to use the correct film.






You load it in the back.









2) Go take pictures!

3) Once you've used all of your film, it's time to develop. After making sure your film has rewound back into the canister, you can open the back of the camera and remove it. Exposing your film to any amount of light means you're majorly screwed. No more pictures for you!
You must take your canister, a film reel and other accessories to a light-tight closet. People with claustrophobia beware. Here in this completely dark room, you have to take your film and roll it onto a reel that will then be put into a light-tight canister with a special lid that allows liquid in through the top, but not light. On to the chemistry!


4) Developing the film includes lots of chemistry and time. Here's the order they must go in: Pre-wet, Developer, Stop Bath, Fixer, Rinse, Orbit bath, Final wash, and Photo-Flo. This process in addition to rolling your film onto reels typically takes over an hour. Once this is done, you unroll your wet film. Hopefully you can see pictures on your negatives! Now they must hang dry for 3 hours. Once dry, you can cut your negatives to fit your negative sleeves.

5) Take your negatives into the print darkroom and make a contact sheet. This will let you see what your pictures will look like. (Remember, the negatives alone are reversals of light. Dark areas will be bright on a regular print and vice-versa.)














6) Pick the picture you want, the enlarger you want to work on, and get started. Insert the chosen film into the enlarger, use test strips to determine correct exposure time, choose the right filter (the filter will cause less or more contrast depending on the filter), and once everything is just right, use a full sheet of resin coated paper to make a full size print. Once the image is recorded onto the paper via light, it goes through chemistry too; developer, stop bath and fixer. This process of printing has taken me 3 hours to get one photo just right. Sometimes I get lucky and it only takes me half of this time.


7) Your photo will then be washed and dried. Now you have a print! But odds are that it will have spots. (White spots caused by dust on the negative.) Super. Now you have to spot your print. You use a tiny brush and black photo-paper ink to fill in these little white spots to match the shading of the image. When finished with that, you can mount your photo using white matte-board.

8) Admire your photo!

See how much grueling work is involved? So next time someone wants to show you their darkroom work and photos, give them the time they deserve and say more than just, "That's nice."

The Itchy Scent of Grass

The pungent itchy aroma of grass hangs in the air around my neighborhood. This can only mean one thing: springtime is out in full force. Lately all of my neighbors have begun the springtime tradition of mowing their lawns. They and payed lawn-care experts are mowing, pulling weeds, and planting flowers. (Well, only one of my neighbors has successfully managed to grow flowers on a regular basis. My mom tries, but the results are usually pretty sad.) For many people, the smell of a freshly cut lawn evokes a sense of cleanliness and childhood nostalgia. For me, it's the smell of discomfort. Okay, it does evoke memories of childhood for me too, just unpleasant ones and here's why.

Just by smelling it, I feel itchy. My eyes begin to water and as the pungent scent of grass and weeds hits my nose, I twitch and sneeze. If I'm in the presence of this sadistic essence for too long, I will eventually need my inhaler for my asthma. I'd be itchy and unable to breathe. And this smell has a way of getting everywhere. I can drive by a house where someone is mowing their lawn and that itchy smell breaches the vents of my car. All I can do is hold my breath until I pass the house...and the house after it, just for good measure. Most people won't understand this because they are not burdened by nasty allergies and asthma. They love the smell of grass and probably can't fathom why someone could hate it or how it could harm someone. But I do and it does! So there you have it; grass from the other perspective. (My eyes are watering now just thinking about this.)

They come from France

Hackers, that is. My e-mail account was hacked by an IP address from France! This has never happened to me before so hearing that my e-mail was sending out spam to everyone was a shock. And then when I read about all of the security measures and reports to the authorities my e-mail provider is taking -which is NONE -I felt my temper rising. It just makes me angry that they can't do something to this IP address to screw up this hacker. I have their IP address! I know they come from France. This information is on my account activity list.

All I could do is change every single privacy setting I had and hope that that is a deterrent to this hacker from France. Hopefully seeing my password triple in size and complexity will make him exclaim, "Sacre bleu! Theez new passward is much too long and complicated. I shall move on to anozer fat American IP address that I can hack and send ze spam e-mail from." My imaginary Frenchman hacker will then finish his espresso, dust off his white & black striped shirt, straighten his red neck scarf, and ride his scooter off to another IP location -probably one that has wine and cheese.

Of course I do realize that not all hackers are from France. While reading through the e-mail help forum, I saw people complaining about hackers from Latvia, Russia, and other locations around the globe. So for anyone who has been in this situation, be sure you change your security settings. I will watch my account more closely now, that's for sure.

Frantic ball of girl-crazy

It's been two days since my aforementioned moment of absurd logic about my boyfriend. All is well and the flames of crazy have been washed away. Daniel was just drinking with Deana to help console her after work. I later learned that she screwed up on something, nothing else during the day seemed to go right; that topped off with her having had no lunch that day either, all added up to a woman in desperate need of whiskey. And I completely get that talking about it to me wouldn't help as much as talking to a friend who is also a co-worker and in the same boat as her.

The next night we all met up a recently re-opened bar downtown that offers a great relaxing atmosphere while still retaining the obvious surroundings of bar-life. Daniel, looking sexy as ever, met up with us after his late shift. We had a good night, an ever better after-party, a great morning followed by a wonderful afternoon, evening and night again. We hadn't spent this much time together at once since we took a weekend get-away a few months back.

The best thing about it all is, I never once let on that I was a frantic ball of girl-crazy one night because of his lack of texting. (And a good thing too. No boyfriend should be burdened with that unless totally justified.) I never once insisted we spend all Saturday together. It just happened naturally. And after a movie in the evening, (we saw Kick-Ass and I give it a B),  he asked, "What do you want to do now?" instead of just dropping me off at my house.
 I think he likes me.  ;)  

And just when I didn't think it could get any better, I had a late night revelation. After approximately 27 hours together straight, I was not the least bit sick of seeing him. This statement may seem harsh or negative, but stop to think about it. Sometimes, even with good friends, there comes a time when you just want them to go away so you can have a little alone time. Everybody has these feelings; just admit it. So the fact that I wasn't thinking these thoughts about how nice it would be just to go home and be on my own after 27 odd hours together with Daniel is a revelation of how much I adore him.

What happened in the year 2006?

The question has become, What happened in the year 2006? With the start of this blog, I began to wonder why I have not written anything in years. I tried to think back to when I last really sat down to write anything creative. And even the process of thinking about writing made me feel mentally exhausted and ready to push it all aside. But no! I must attempt to resist this lethargy. What will happen -no, make that what has happened is this: I've lost it. Whatever IT is, I've lost it. The desire to write, the inspiration I used to have, the passion for creating; whatever it was it is no longer there in the same quality and quantity. Was it ever really of any quality to begin with? Is it like this lack-luster blog entry...boring, lifeless, and an obvious attempt to force creative thought and fanciful words? I'm beginning to think it is.

I used to constantly write. Since grade school I've been writing. I wanted to write my own book since I could read. And so I would grab a pencil and paper and just start writing about whatever I was in the mood for. I was (and still am) susceptible to the influence of other authors. When I was a child, I read every Babysitter's Club book written and due to this influence, I wanted to write about my own club of friends going about their simple but meaningful adventures. Then I got into scary stories and R. L. Stine's Fear Street series. That's when I began to write about cheerleaders getting squashed beneath fallen basketball backboards and teenagers with split personalities. (I promise it was just a faze in my writing and not a wicked twist on my own psyche.) As a young adult entering college, I read more than my share of chick lit. Naturally I began to toy with writing about my own female heroine who struggles through a bad relationship, a job from hell, and other conflicts only to finally come out on top a better person with a new sense of purpose and a renewed outlook on some aspect of life.

So what happened in the year 2006? I found an old journal of mine today while going through a ton of old school folders and junk from under my bed. I think it was the last one I kept. And I bet you can guess what the last date I wrote in it was. Yep, 2006. And the last entry, the same last entry I had here on this very blog, was about my new job at the newspaper. So is that what really happened in the year 2006? I started writing for a living and was burned out on writing for myself. And then when I was let go from the paper, (for reasons that I would like to spare anyone reading this otherwise today's blog entry will double in size), I just didn't want to spend time writing. I still read as much as ever, but never could pick up a pen or open a word document. Talk about a long spout of writer's block. And I still have it. My rant here isn't creative. It's informative and only mildly interesting (to me). I suppose the silver lining in this is that at least I started to blog again. Who knows, maybe in another two years I'll be back up to where I once was. I can only hope.

Absurdly Logical

It is in a rather absurdly logical sense of thinking tonight that I create this new blog for myself to type out random thoughts, opinions, fears and the like. In our world of blogging, Facebook, the almost dead Myspace, and all other avenues of mass communication on the Internet, one may think we are all free to express our thoughts and emotions freely. Yet this is not entirely true.

Yes, we use the Internet to connect to people, to find old friends, and network. (We also use it to numb our brains with celebrity gossip and funny -but ridiculous -humor on YouTube.) But don't we also find catharsis in randomly blogging about our lives to a nondescript, silent audience that does not know our real name? And what happens when they do? You lose all sense of anonymity and therefore everyone knows your business. Hence my desire to create a new blog (which I've stated earlier, is rather silly but justified).

Where am I going with this? I do apologize for digressing or ranting. I am prone to do such things. Tonight, I needed to express my thoughts to this wonderful anonymous Internet audience...a.k.a. myself...without friends and family reading my diary so to speak. I would keep a journal but I am a product of the 21st century and have been using a keyboard since I was in grade school. My writing utensils cannot keep up with my thoughts the way my fingers can fly across a keyboard.

And so my dilemma finally begins. My group of friends is closely knit. Everybody knows somebody else in our large, diverse group. I'm even dating one said person. He's been a terrific boyfriend these past 8 months. But who do I turn to for one of my girly freakout moments? A close friend? The answer is no. My friend Nicole would be a sympathetic listener and would no doubt give great sound advice...she usually does. This would be fine if it weren't for my worry being based solely in my head.
First I'd have to explain how I came to be worried and slightly upset, and I know that during this process I would not find the right words and I would realize how silly it all sounds once said out-loud. And by this time, it's already in the open and then I'd have to defend my way of thinking, or just make something else up entirely. (Which I probably couldn't do on the spot. So that idea is out.) Nicole, being the intelligent girl she is, would start to ask questions about why I am feeling this way. Intelligent girls like her like to ask questions. So then I'd be stuck forever with the irrational worry conversation out in the open. And night-time does have a tendency to escalate worries, at least for me. So it's all a bad idea.

If you're a girl, you may know what I mean when I say "girly freakout moment." And if you're a guy, you may find this next bit of information useful. "Girly freakout moments" are those moments when little things make you think of bigger things, which starts your mind racing and depending on your imagination level, could grow to even bigger things that have now grown a life of their own. These new worrisome thoughts will not just go away by telling ourselves, "No, stop. That's crazy." We're not crazy. We just sometimes jump to conclusions that may make absolute no sense to others because you don't see the dots we're connecting in our heads. But it makes perfect sense to us. Logic is not welcome in this part of the brain.

So what's all the hoopla about anyway? Surely by now it must be anti-climatic. And I can assure you, it probably is. The background is this; my boyfriend Daniel works til 10:30pm. He began calling or texting me when he got off work around this time. Sometimes it was just to say goodnight, sometimes it was to get confirmation that we would be seeing each other shortly. I never asked him to do this; he just got in the habit and I got used to it. And on the nights that we don't see each other, his texts are anywhere from long and poetic, to short but very sweet.

Tonight, he simply texted that he was "Drinking with Deana." Deana is a co-worker and part of our group of friends. Last time he went drinking right after work with her, both had horrendous days at work. I ask if they've had a repeat of this and all I get back is "Sorta." No explanation at all. Daniel more often than not has more to say than one word responses. This seems to me to be slightly unusual. But whatever, maybe he just doesn't want to get into to it tonight, and through text messaging. Ok, fine, I think. I text back, "Well drive safe tonight. Love you." I get nothing back.

And it's this lack of a response to my last message that begins the Rube Goldberg device in my head. I'm now thinking, "Why didn't he text back? He always texts back when I make my goodnights." (Usually, he's the first to text 'Love you', then I text back, 'Love you, too.')

The following is how my dots connected to become a frantic, worrisome ball of girl-freakout.

The preliminary round of thoughts occur. He is in a bar, he could have missed the message. Daniel always keeps his phone on vibrate. Or maybe he and Deana are hashing out the horrible day and he's distracted. Daniel did call me at random this afternoon just because he was thinking about me. (Awww.) But I was in the photography darkroom and phones are not allowed, so I had to hang up after our "I love yous."

First round: What if I hurt his feelings by being so abrupt on the phone earlier? But no, he knows I wouldn't cut him short if I didn't have to. However, I still overthink how I wished I'd talked more. Should I have called him back later? Probably not since he was at work and I could be disrupting him. Then I think, I don't have to be concerned if he's out with Deana, do I? Noooo. Of course not.

Second round: What if I do need to be concerned? No, he loves me. This is absurd. He had a life of going to bars with friends before he met me. He doesn't have to stop that now that we're in a relationship. I'd be a terrible girlfriend if I insisted he stop. But why didn't he text back?

Third round: He's not beginning to lose interest in me, is he? Why couldn't he have just texted back like he always does? Does he not see how this is driving me nuts?? I only need a simple validation that everything is ok...preferably tonight before I go to sleep because now, this is obviously my obsession for the night.

And that gentlemen, is how we can go from being rational girlfriends to irrational emotional basket-cases. And now you know. Because knowledge is power!

In the end, I cannot tell my friends about this. It's irrational. (As of right now. Let's hope my fears are unfounded.) Not to mention they all know Daniel. I cannot tell my friends this because then they'd know something about their friend Daniel, and one of them might tell, and then that'd put him in a needless situation between me and our friends. This I will not allow. What I will do, is type until I get so sleepy that I'm ready to fall into bed (and I'm nearing that now) and hope (fruitlessly I'm sure) for a late night text that I occasionally get from him. And in the morning, I will most likely feel a little better. However, I will not feel completely better until I have that validation from Daniel by means of a simple "I love you" text or phone call. Oh, and naturally I cannot tell Daniel about any of this. He shall be spared my frantic thoughts, lest his head explode from my absurd logic.

Ah, the female mind. It's a wonder we manage to be sane at all.