Absurdly Logical

It is in a rather absurdly logical sense of thinking tonight that I create this new blog for myself to type out random thoughts, opinions, fears and the like. In our world of blogging, Facebook, the almost dead Myspace, and all other avenues of mass communication on the Internet, one may think we are all free to express our thoughts and emotions freely. Yet this is not entirely true.

Yes, we use the Internet to connect to people, to find old friends, and network. (We also use it to numb our brains with celebrity gossip and funny -but ridiculous -humor on YouTube.) But don't we also find catharsis in randomly blogging about our lives to a nondescript, silent audience that does not know our real name? And what happens when they do? You lose all sense of anonymity and therefore everyone knows your business. Hence my desire to create a new blog (which I've stated earlier, is rather silly but justified).

Where am I going with this? I do apologize for digressing or ranting. I am prone to do such things. Tonight, I needed to express my thoughts to this wonderful anonymous Internet audience...a.k.a. myself...without friends and family reading my diary so to speak. I would keep a journal but I am a product of the 21st century and have been using a keyboard since I was in grade school. My writing utensils cannot keep up with my thoughts the way my fingers can fly across a keyboard.

And so my dilemma finally begins. My group of friends is closely knit. Everybody knows somebody else in our large, diverse group. I'm even dating one said person. He's been a terrific boyfriend these past 8 months. But who do I turn to for one of my girly freakout moments? A close friend? The answer is no. My friend Nicole would be a sympathetic listener and would no doubt give great sound advice...she usually does. This would be fine if it weren't for my worry being based solely in my head.
First I'd have to explain how I came to be worried and slightly upset, and I know that during this process I would not find the right words and I would realize how silly it all sounds once said out-loud. And by this time, it's already in the open and then I'd have to defend my way of thinking, or just make something else up entirely. (Which I probably couldn't do on the spot. So that idea is out.) Nicole, being the intelligent girl she is, would start to ask questions about why I am feeling this way. Intelligent girls like her like to ask questions. So then I'd be stuck forever with the irrational worry conversation out in the open. And night-time does have a tendency to escalate worries, at least for me. So it's all a bad idea.

If you're a girl, you may know what I mean when I say "girly freakout moment." And if you're a guy, you may find this next bit of information useful. "Girly freakout moments" are those moments when little things make you think of bigger things, which starts your mind racing and depending on your imagination level, could grow to even bigger things that have now grown a life of their own. These new worrisome thoughts will not just go away by telling ourselves, "No, stop. That's crazy." We're not crazy. We just sometimes jump to conclusions that may make absolute no sense to others because you don't see the dots we're connecting in our heads. But it makes perfect sense to us. Logic is not welcome in this part of the brain.

So what's all the hoopla about anyway? Surely by now it must be anti-climatic. And I can assure you, it probably is. The background is this; my boyfriend Daniel works til 10:30pm. He began calling or texting me when he got off work around this time. Sometimes it was just to say goodnight, sometimes it was to get confirmation that we would be seeing each other shortly. I never asked him to do this; he just got in the habit and I got used to it. And on the nights that we don't see each other, his texts are anywhere from long and poetic, to short but very sweet.

Tonight, he simply texted that he was "Drinking with Deana." Deana is a co-worker and part of our group of friends. Last time he went drinking right after work with her, both had horrendous days at work. I ask if they've had a repeat of this and all I get back is "Sorta." No explanation at all. Daniel more often than not has more to say than one word responses. This seems to me to be slightly unusual. But whatever, maybe he just doesn't want to get into to it tonight, and through text messaging. Ok, fine, I think. I text back, "Well drive safe tonight. Love you." I get nothing back.

And it's this lack of a response to my last message that begins the Rube Goldberg device in my head. I'm now thinking, "Why didn't he text back? He always texts back when I make my goodnights." (Usually, he's the first to text 'Love you', then I text back, 'Love you, too.')

The following is how my dots connected to become a frantic, worrisome ball of girl-freakout.

The preliminary round of thoughts occur. He is in a bar, he could have missed the message. Daniel always keeps his phone on vibrate. Or maybe he and Deana are hashing out the horrible day and he's distracted. Daniel did call me at random this afternoon just because he was thinking about me. (Awww.) But I was in the photography darkroom and phones are not allowed, so I had to hang up after our "I love yous."

First round: What if I hurt his feelings by being so abrupt on the phone earlier? But no, he knows I wouldn't cut him short if I didn't have to. However, I still overthink how I wished I'd talked more. Should I have called him back later? Probably not since he was at work and I could be disrupting him. Then I think, I don't have to be concerned if he's out with Deana, do I? Noooo. Of course not.

Second round: What if I do need to be concerned? No, he loves me. This is absurd. He had a life of going to bars with friends before he met me. He doesn't have to stop that now that we're in a relationship. I'd be a terrible girlfriend if I insisted he stop. But why didn't he text back?

Third round: He's not beginning to lose interest in me, is he? Why couldn't he have just texted back like he always does? Does he not see how this is driving me nuts?? I only need a simple validation that everything is ok...preferably tonight before I go to sleep because now, this is obviously my obsession for the night.

And that gentlemen, is how we can go from being rational girlfriends to irrational emotional basket-cases. And now you know. Because knowledge is power!

In the end, I cannot tell my friends about this. It's irrational. (As of right now. Let's hope my fears are unfounded.) Not to mention they all know Daniel. I cannot tell my friends this because then they'd know something about their friend Daniel, and one of them might tell, and then that'd put him in a needless situation between me and our friends. This I will not allow. What I will do, is type until I get so sleepy that I'm ready to fall into bed (and I'm nearing that now) and hope (fruitlessly I'm sure) for a late night text that I occasionally get from him. And in the morning, I will most likely feel a little better. However, I will not feel completely better until I have that validation from Daniel by means of a simple "I love you" text or phone call. Oh, and naturally I cannot tell Daniel about any of this. He shall be spared my frantic thoughts, lest his head explode from my absurd logic.

Ah, the female mind. It's a wonder we manage to be sane at all.