The now ex-boyfriend who I had lunch with Sunday was dressed up. I did not expect that at all. He was wearing the nice long-sleeve button up shirt for work that I had bought him several months ago, tucked in with a belt. Wow. This from the guy who once took me shopping in his wife-beater. His hair was trimmed too. He looked nice. His brown eyes were amplified by the brown shirt he wore. He also looked tired. He said he'd been sick and still felt kind of blah. But being tired, kind of softened his eyes too.
Frick. He was adorable.
I had sweated over what to wear. I didn't want to look TOO nice, lest he think I was desperately hoping he'd notice because I want him back so badly. No no. Can't have that look. Mostly because I don't want him back right now. (Perhaps in the future when he's matured and decides that if he wants me in his life as more than a friend, and has altered his bad habits to woo me back...and given that I'm still single...then maybe I would. But not now.) But I also didn't want to dress down too much either. It was Sunday afterall and we were meeting at an Italian restaurant. So I opted for a very nice white blouse with my skinny jeans. But upon seeing him, I felt under-dressed. But for the record, he thought I dressed up too. Whew.
There was no relationship talk. But it was still awkward in the beginning. It almost felt like a first date! And there was a moment here and there where... well you know, I could tell he missed me. I almost wish I had shown that I missed him too. And now I keep thinking about him.
I know I can't get back together with him. And my friends tell me this too. I suppose it was harder to see him so soon after all. But I didn't get that anxious, butterfly, falling-sensation in my chest when I saw him. That's a good indicator that I'm probably okay. If I had felt that, then that would mean trouble. (Danger, Will Robinson, danger!) That feeling in my chest would've meant that I was not over him at all yet. And seeing him would've been difficult.
When we hugged good-bye, I must admit, it felt nice. Very nice. (Sigh.)
Monday, August 30, 2010
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Break-Up
It's over. The boyfriend and I broke up on August 14th. We dated for a year and two weeks.
This is coming a little late, but understandably I did not feel very much like blogging, writing, going out, talking, or sometimes eating, for a good while. I really don't even feel like getting into it again so here's the short short version:
1) He said he hasn't changed how he feels since the talk about him cheating on me back in June. He still feels sexually attractive to other women and doesn't want to risk hurting me again like he already did once.
2) He admits he has a lot of maturing to do.
3) We both agree that we had become each other's best friend besides the romantic attachment. This makes it difficult, but he wants to be able to become just friends in the future. He said he does NOT not want to never see me again.
4) He gave back the stuff I had at his apartment.
And that was how it ended. Except that instead of doing this in the privacy of his home, like a guy should if you've been dating more than 6 months, he did this in public. Sure he probably thought it would help keep a scene from starting, but that's hardly fair to me, who can't help crying anyway. So not cool.
So I was a mess and hurt and crying for a good couple of days and nights. Then (for many more reasons that I can't explain or don't want to get into) I slowly begin to realize maybe it is all for the best. And maybe it's also because I went through what felt like a breakup over a month ago. The shock of the breakup was not so great because of what I already went through recently. If this all came at once, then I would be much worse off.
I have begun to see how being just friends would be better. I do know him well. I know things about him and his family...as a really good friend would. I'm also pretty sure that I wouldn't have as many qualms about telling him the blunt truth about whatever because I no longer need to worry about his feelings as a girlfriend would. Now I only need to worry as a friend. When he drinks too heavily, I'll be able to sternly tell him to stop being an ass. (Oooh. That'll probably feel good to say.)
Now I've been sadly single for two weeks. Last week I got a random text from him after 7 days of silence. He just wanted to know where he could get his hair cut on a Sunday. Hmmm. Friend stuff I guess. But today, I get a text from him asking to meet him for lunch. I can't today, I already have plans with my friend Nicole. So plans are for tomorrow.
I know, many women out there would probably yell at me that it's not a good idea. But relax. I do not want to get back together with him. Mostly, it's my curiosity that's got the better of me. I haven't seen him in two weeks. I wonder how I'll feel when I do finally see him again. (It might not be good. Surely it will be awkward.) But I am simply curious as to why he wants to meet for lunch. Perhaps he really just wants to get the friend train moving. Or possibly he does have an ulterior motive. But I won't know that unless I go.
So go I shall.
"Curiouser and curiouser." -- Alice in Wonderland
This is coming a little late, but understandably I did not feel very much like blogging, writing, going out, talking, or sometimes eating, for a good while. I really don't even feel like getting into it again so here's the short short version:
1) He said he hasn't changed how he feels since the talk about him cheating on me back in June. He still feels sexually attractive to other women and doesn't want to risk hurting me again like he already did once.
2) He admits he has a lot of maturing to do.
3) We both agree that we had become each other's best friend besides the romantic attachment. This makes it difficult, but he wants to be able to become just friends in the future. He said he does NOT not want to never see me again.
4) He gave back the stuff I had at his apartment.
And that was how it ended. Except that instead of doing this in the privacy of his home, like a guy should if you've been dating more than 6 months, he did this in public. Sure he probably thought it would help keep a scene from starting, but that's hardly fair to me, who can't help crying anyway. So not cool.
So I was a mess and hurt and crying for a good couple of days and nights. Then (for many more reasons that I can't explain or don't want to get into) I slowly begin to realize maybe it is all for the best. And maybe it's also because I went through what felt like a breakup over a month ago. The shock of the breakup was not so great because of what I already went through recently. If this all came at once, then I would be much worse off.
I have begun to see how being just friends would be better. I do know him well. I know things about him and his family...as a really good friend would. I'm also pretty sure that I wouldn't have as many qualms about telling him the blunt truth about whatever because I no longer need to worry about his feelings as a girlfriend would. Now I only need to worry as a friend. When he drinks too heavily, I'll be able to sternly tell him to stop being an ass. (Oooh. That'll probably feel good to say.)
Now I've been sadly single for two weeks. Last week I got a random text from him after 7 days of silence. He just wanted to know where he could get his hair cut on a Sunday. Hmmm. Friend stuff I guess. But today, I get a text from him asking to meet him for lunch. I can't today, I already have plans with my friend Nicole. So plans are for tomorrow.
I know, many women out there would probably yell at me that it's not a good idea. But relax. I do not want to get back together with him. Mostly, it's my curiosity that's got the better of me. I haven't seen him in two weeks. I wonder how I'll feel when I do finally see him again. (It might not be good. Surely it will be awkward.) But I am simply curious as to why he wants to meet for lunch. Perhaps he really just wants to get the friend train moving. Or possibly he does have an ulterior motive. But I won't know that unless I go.
So go I shall.
"Curiouser and curiouser." -- Alice in Wonderland
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
After 5 months of coasting on my savings (that quickly began to sink this last month) and looking for a job, I found one! And it's full-time work too.
Yep, I am rejoining the drudgery that is a 40 hour work-week. I accepted a job at Basin Healthcare Center (a new mini-hospital that opened in February) as the new morning receptionist. And when I say morning, boy do I mean morning. We're talking BEFORE the ass-crack of dawn. Today was my first day, and this week I'll be working an average day of 8am to 5pm. But next Monday I'll be starting my permanent shift of 5:45am to 2:15pm. (Pause to absorb the horror of 5:45AM.)
I have no idea how I'm going to do it. I was unprepared for this time slot. The ad in the paper said nothing to the effect of a super early-ass shift. But what was I going to say when they offered me the job? No thank you; I don't want to get up that early? (Sigh.) I need a job because I need money and I was tired of interviewing and submitting resumes to no avail for the last two months. I took the early-ass job.
For 5 months now, I've been quite the night owl...staying up til 2 or 3 in the morning most days and sleeping in till noon, sometimes 1. This was a fine fit for being with my boyfriend who works 1:30pm to 10:30pm. But now... I'm not going to see him as much on a weekday. :(
I can barely wake up by 11:30am right now. Getting up to be at work at 8am was difficult. How am I going to get up at 4:30am??
Wonder how I'll handle it...
Yep, I am rejoining the drudgery that is a 40 hour work-week. I accepted a job at Basin Healthcare Center (a new mini-hospital that opened in February) as the new morning receptionist. And when I say morning, boy do I mean morning. We're talking BEFORE the ass-crack of dawn. Today was my first day, and this week I'll be working an average day of 8am to 5pm. But next Monday I'll be starting my permanent shift of 5:45am to 2:15pm. (Pause to absorb the horror of 5:45AM.)
I have no idea how I'm going to do it. I was unprepared for this time slot. The ad in the paper said nothing to the effect of a super early-ass shift. But what was I going to say when they offered me the job? No thank you; I don't want to get up that early? (Sigh.) I need a job because I need money and I was tired of interviewing and submitting resumes to no avail for the last two months. I took the early-ass job.
For 5 months now, I've been quite the night owl...staying up til 2 or 3 in the morning most days and sleeping in till noon, sometimes 1. This was a fine fit for being with my boyfriend who works 1:30pm to 10:30pm. But now... I'm not going to see him as much on a weekday. :(
I can barely wake up by 11:30am right now. Getting up to be at work at 8am was difficult. How am I going to get up at 4:30am??
Wonder how I'll handle it...
First day:
"Let's go!"
7:50am
7:50am
5:15pm
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Back on track
Well things seem to be hunky-dory again with the boyfriend. The last week of June and the first two weeks of July were awful. I felt terrible, anxious, sick a couple of times, and worried. And I really hate feeling those things. Luckily we didn't take a break because I honestly feel that is relationship suicide. Things were slightly awkward for a while though.
I was (and am still) afraid to delve further into it. I don't want to open a can of worms. Things have felt back to normal now, and that's good. We're back to saying the "I love you"s and spending every day together again.
We even celebrated our one year anniversary on July 31. It doesn't feel like it's been a year. Wow. I've never been with anyone this long before. I'm breaking all kinds of records for myself.
The only thing I dread now is my new job's schedule. I'm never going to see him (just about) on a weekday anymore. And that suuuuucks. I hate this whole scenario.
I was (and am still) afraid to delve further into it. I don't want to open a can of worms. Things have felt back to normal now, and that's good. We're back to saying the "I love you"s and spending every day together again.
We even celebrated our one year anniversary on July 31. It doesn't feel like it's been a year. Wow. I've never been with anyone this long before. I'm breaking all kinds of records for myself.
The only thing I dread now is my new job's schedule. I'm never going to see him (just about) on a weekday anymore. And that suuuuucks. I hate this whole scenario.
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