Day 3: Still dwelling and hurting and confused.
Despite everything, I recently had a thought brought on by all of my questions and venting. For some reason, I'm afraid I'll lose him. Doesn't make sense, right? He should be worried he'll lose me. And damn it, he needs to start rebuilding the trust NOW. The little things are causing me grief and stress. Last time we talked on the phone, he didn't end the conversation with "I love you," like he always does. I know I'm brokenhearted and angry, but he needs to grovel! He needs to keep saying I love you. I know I can't say it back right now, but that doesn't change the fact that I need to hear it from him. He is supposed to be proving that he's going to make this better and by backing off makes me think he doesn't want to fight to keep me. Fight dammit!
I'm not the one who is supposed to worry he'll just give up and lose me. This was his mistake and he needs to worry about losing me and what he can do to keep me, how to make me trust him again, and to prove he really does love me. Without that, why should I forgive him? I need to see lots of remorse and sucking up. Is that so hard? Is that really too much to ask? I think not.
Perhaps he is giving me time to calm down and collect my thoughts. And maybe he's also scared. I'm scared too. He's been my boyfriend for almost 11 months and now I can't look him in the eye and I feel awkward sitting next to him...like when we first started dating. And I think it's because I feel like I don't know him anymore; not like I used to. And this makes me so angry, I cry.
He ruined everything! Everything we had built up...gone. Just like that. We were so close to moving in together. Not gonna happen now. Who knows when we'll be back to where we were in our relationship at the beginning of the month. For all I know, it could take another 11 months. And THAT makes me angry too! It's not fair! This isn't where we were supposed to be with our one year anniversary around the corner.
I guess the point of all of this ranting is that I need him to prove to me that he's going to do whatever is necessary to win me back, to show that he will rebuild the trust, and fight to make me love him again...the way I did before this mess. Because if he's not, then why should I invest so much emotion and time into working on forgiving him and moving on? And I want him to want to win me back so much. I want my heart to mend. I want him to earn my love back. And if he doesn't, I don't think my heart can break into any smaller pieces, but it just may.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Love should be enough
They won't stop. The tears will come at any moment's notice. I'll be sitting in my chair on the computer with my iTunes playing and suddenly I feel my muscles clenching and the hot, salty tears begin anew. Sure I cry when I think about it, but I'm getting to the point where I could distract myself briefly...or so I thought.
So many things are still running through my head. I did manage to say some of the things I knew I needed to get out and hard questions I almost couldn't get out of my throat. I could've said more, asked a few more questions...but while he was sitting next to me, some just didn't come out.
I had to ask it. I asked if he still loved me. He said he never stopped. But he also said sometimes love isn't enough. I was too busy trying to get a hold of my convulsions to yell back, WHY? Why isn't it? If you love a person, that love should influence the decisions and choices you make...so how could it have come to this?
I suppose I'm supposed to take solace in that fact that this wasn't an on-going affair. It was one night. But still...
His guilt racked him for the next week before he told me. That was the vibe I was picking up on. I didn't know what was bothering him until Monday. He says he wanted to tell me sooner, but this last weekend I had a reunion to attend and he was my date...so naturally he didn't think it was good timing for this to come out right before that. I guess I should give him a small ounce of credit for telling me and being honest instead of keeping it a secret that could one day resurface in the most ugly way after we moved in together.
I am still sorting out my emotions. I've told him I want to forgive him, but trust is going to take a long time to build back up, and he has to promise to prove to me that he's going to earn it back. I really hope that seeing me in such despair will knock him to his senses should anything happen in the future. He said nothing has ever made him cry so much as this. He seems sincere, I think I still believe him when he says he's always loved me and will love me always. I just hope that my reaction and pain will be his lesson learned.
Btw: Love SHOULD be enough.
So many things are still running through my head. I did manage to say some of the things I knew I needed to get out and hard questions I almost couldn't get out of my throat. I could've said more, asked a few more questions...but while he was sitting next to me, some just didn't come out.
I had to ask it. I asked if he still loved me. He said he never stopped. But he also said sometimes love isn't enough. I was too busy trying to get a hold of my convulsions to yell back, WHY? Why isn't it? If you love a person, that love should influence the decisions and choices you make...so how could it have come to this?
I suppose I'm supposed to take solace in that fact that this wasn't an on-going affair. It was one night. But still...
His guilt racked him for the next week before he told me. That was the vibe I was picking up on. I didn't know what was bothering him until Monday. He says he wanted to tell me sooner, but this last weekend I had a reunion to attend and he was my date...so naturally he didn't think it was good timing for this to come out right before that. I guess I should give him a small ounce of credit for telling me and being honest instead of keeping it a secret that could one day resurface in the most ugly way after we moved in together.
I am still sorting out my emotions. I've told him I want to forgive him, but trust is going to take a long time to build back up, and he has to promise to prove to me that he's going to earn it back. I really hope that seeing me in such despair will knock him to his senses should anything happen in the future. He said nothing has ever made him cry so much as this. He seems sincere, I think I still believe him when he says he's always loved me and will love me always. I just hope that my reaction and pain will be his lesson learned.
Btw: Love SHOULD be enough.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Brokenhearted
Oh God, vibes never lie. I was right, and I hate that I was right. Remember earlier when I wrote about feeling vibes that something was bothering my boyfriend, that something was wrong or off? Stupid vibes were right.
"I have been unfaithful."
My mind won't stop replaying that god-awful sentence delivered to me just this morning. The following, well, I'm not sure how much time passed at all. But in that time, there was a lot of long, quiet pauses where I cried and tried to think of the next thing to say; the next question to ask. He had to go to work and asked if he should call me when he got off. Not wanting to end this conversation...cry-fest, whatever, in the middle of things, I said yes. And I've been in bed since.
That's what I do. I become lethargic, tired, depressed and all I want is to fall into bed and cry myself to sleep. I didn't even listen to any music for the first five hours. If you knew me, you'd know that's really something. I was nauseous for a bit too. I tried to think about everything that's going to need to be said and asked, but I can't get passed the crying stage long enough to think about it properly.
What do you do if you still love the guy who cheated on you?
The whole thing started when he wanted to talk "relationship" talk. He went on to say that he loves me, I make him happy, and he loves getting to wake up with me in his arms and spend the day doing boring every day things with me. And so, he seriously suggested moving in together.
But then he said there's one problem...... "I've been unfaithful."
I was completely blindsided by this. I had no idea and no real clues that actual cheating happened. I could feel the insides of my chest, in the sternum area, twisting and bubbling. I felt that uncomfortable tender-on-the-skin like when you get sick kind of prickliness. It was later when I got in bed that I started to feel the nausea. I managed to sleep briefly for a good hour. At least, I think it was an hour. It was long enough for me to have a dream and then wake up feeling like I was having an anxiety attack.
HOW COULD HE? He's ruined everything now. I'm so utterly brokenhearted. How are we supposed to have that wonderful relationship and move in together now?? The trust is gone. And god help me, I really want to forgive and forget, but I can't do that so easily. I must admit that I felt a tiny drop of satisfaction at telling him that if we'd only been dating a couple of months (and not 11 months) I probably would've just dumped him...and went on to say that moving in together would be a bad idea... and then seeing him close his eyes as the realization of what he's done hits him and tears fall down his cheeks.
Most advice on the Internet says you should just leave a cheater...however, every relationship is different and if you do choose to forgive and take them back, you have to accept that they are a cheater and may do it again. But I will break into a thousand small pieces with no hope of becoming whole again if he cheats once more.
I don't know what to do.
"I have been unfaithful."
My mind won't stop replaying that god-awful sentence delivered to me just this morning. The following, well, I'm not sure how much time passed at all. But in that time, there was a lot of long, quiet pauses where I cried and tried to think of the next thing to say; the next question to ask. He had to go to work and asked if he should call me when he got off. Not wanting to end this conversation...cry-fest, whatever, in the middle of things, I said yes. And I've been in bed since.
That's what I do. I become lethargic, tired, depressed and all I want is to fall into bed and cry myself to sleep. I didn't even listen to any music for the first five hours. If you knew me, you'd know that's really something. I was nauseous for a bit too. I tried to think about everything that's going to need to be said and asked, but I can't get passed the crying stage long enough to think about it properly.
What do you do if you still love the guy who cheated on you?
The whole thing started when he wanted to talk "relationship" talk. He went on to say that he loves me, I make him happy, and he loves getting to wake up with me in his arms and spend the day doing boring every day things with me. And so, he seriously suggested moving in together.
But then he said there's one problem...... "I've been unfaithful."
I was completely blindsided by this. I had no idea and no real clues that actual cheating happened. I could feel the insides of my chest, in the sternum area, twisting and bubbling. I felt that uncomfortable tender-on-the-skin like when you get sick kind of prickliness. It was later when I got in bed that I started to feel the nausea. I managed to sleep briefly for a good hour. At least, I think it was an hour. It was long enough for me to have a dream and then wake up feeling like I was having an anxiety attack.
HOW COULD HE? He's ruined everything now. I'm so utterly brokenhearted. How are we supposed to have that wonderful relationship and move in together now?? The trust is gone. And god help me, I really want to forgive and forget, but I can't do that so easily. I must admit that I felt a tiny drop of satisfaction at telling him that if we'd only been dating a couple of months (and not 11 months) I probably would've just dumped him...and went on to say that moving in together would be a bad idea... and then seeing him close his eyes as the realization of what he's done hits him and tears fall down his cheeks.
Most advice on the Internet says you should just leave a cheater...however, every relationship is different and if you do choose to forgive and take them back, you have to accept that they are a cheater and may do it again. But I will break into a thousand small pieces with no hope of becoming whole again if he cheats once more.
I don't know what to do.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
I hate cover letters
They can be torture to write sometimes. Yes, business professionals will always tell you that a cover letter is necessary. It will make you stand out from the rest of the applicants. If your resume is only ho-hum, your cover letter could get you the job. But I still loathe writing them.
Each cover letter has to be specific for the job you're applying to. It can't be a generic one you send to everyone. Apparently recruiters have a need to feel special and if they think you're toying with their emotions by sending them an obvious generic cover letter that's not all about them, your resume is in the trash by the first paragraph.
The pressure is on. It took me two days (not the full 24 hours in each day of course) to write out a stinkin cover letter for a job in San Antonio. I think I spent the first couple of hours trying to write the first sentence. Then I stared at a blank word document for another good two hours. Agh! I'll come back to it later, I said. When I did eventually go back, I got another sentence written. But then, I couldn't think how to flow into my next line of thought without an abrupt change of pace. That's the most difficult part, I think...going from introductions to the main plot.
I scoured the Internet for ideas. I Googled "cover letters" and read through cover letter samples and took pieces of several hoping to weave them together into a cohesive letter that would become my own. In the end I found the basics for any cover letter. You need three basic elements, or three basic paragraphs.
1) Why you are writing.
2) Why you are a good fit for this position. (It helps to list their requirements and how you fit them.)
3) How you will follow up.
And let's not forget to add just a small dash of flattery. I also researched the company's website and added a line that included information from their mission statement and how I agreed with it, showing how well I'd fit in with them.
Too bad the best cover letter I wrote is lost. It was written two years or so ago. I don't know what happened to the file. Maybe it was on my last computer before it crashed. I really could've used it as a jumping off point. But in the end, I finally got this new letter written. I don't know if it's the best cover letter. Probably not. But at least I don't think it stinks.
You know, I get that recruiters want a sense of your style before they call you in for an interview. They can't always get that from just a resume. The resume could be flawless, but if you screw up in a cover letter, they won't be calling. It's such a shame, really. A cover letter tells how you could be a good fit for a job, but in the end, you're really just trying to get a job. A cover letter is nothing but a fancy letter explaining why you and your resume should be given a chance because you really need a decent paying job. That's all.
That being said, below are two cover letter examples for your reading enjoyment. The one on the left is the actual cover letter I wrote, with phone numbers and my address changed of course. I left the company's info because I got that information right off their web-page and so could anyone else. The second on the right is a screwy letter I wrote for fun...what a cover letter really is.
(I think if you click on them, they should enlarge.)
Each cover letter has to be specific for the job you're applying to. It can't be a generic one you send to everyone. Apparently recruiters have a need to feel special and if they think you're toying with their emotions by sending them an obvious generic cover letter that's not all about them, your resume is in the trash by the first paragraph.
The pressure is on. It took me two days (not the full 24 hours in each day of course) to write out a stinkin cover letter for a job in San Antonio. I think I spent the first couple of hours trying to write the first sentence. Then I stared at a blank word document for another good two hours. Agh! I'll come back to it later, I said. When I did eventually go back, I got another sentence written. But then, I couldn't think how to flow into my next line of thought without an abrupt change of pace. That's the most difficult part, I think...going from introductions to the main plot.
I scoured the Internet for ideas. I Googled "cover letters" and read through cover letter samples and took pieces of several hoping to weave them together into a cohesive letter that would become my own. In the end I found the basics for any cover letter. You need three basic elements, or three basic paragraphs.
1) Why you are writing.
2) Why you are a good fit for this position. (It helps to list their requirements and how you fit them.)
3) How you will follow up.
And let's not forget to add just a small dash of flattery. I also researched the company's website and added a line that included information from their mission statement and how I agreed with it, showing how well I'd fit in with them.
Too bad the best cover letter I wrote is lost. It was written two years or so ago. I don't know what happened to the file. Maybe it was on my last computer before it crashed. I really could've used it as a jumping off point. But in the end, I finally got this new letter written. I don't know if it's the best cover letter. Probably not. But at least I don't think it stinks.
You know, I get that recruiters want a sense of your style before they call you in for an interview. They can't always get that from just a resume. The resume could be flawless, but if you screw up in a cover letter, they won't be calling. It's such a shame, really. A cover letter tells how you could be a good fit for a job, but in the end, you're really just trying to get a job. A cover letter is nothing but a fancy letter explaining why you and your resume should be given a chance because you really need a decent paying job. That's all.
That being said, below are two cover letter examples for your reading enjoyment. The one on the left is the actual cover letter I wrote, with phone numbers and my address changed of course. I left the company's info because I got that information right off their web-page and so could anyone else. The second on the right is a screwy letter I wrote for fun...what a cover letter really is.
(I think if you click on them, they should enlarge.)
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Outlook sunny...for now
So.... Yeah. So much drama in the last post. But I still feel justified in my feelings at the time. It's important to be prepared for anything in a relationship; or so I've recently learned.
Today we woke to a nice morning, albeit early. He had to travel out of town for work today so I stayed over last night so I could see him at least for a little while before he headed out. As he's packing, or rather simply putting a few articles of clothing into a duffel bag, he says in passing that we should try living together. I'm sure this is from my staying over and him getting to wake to me by his side. (He says he enjoys that every time it happens.) I suppose this means that thoughts (scary thoughts) of a possible breakup is no more, or never was.
Whew. Can't tell you what a relief it is. However, even though the outlook is sunny again, I still worry that he'll succumb to another cloudy mood and if so, my emotions are still fragile. I'll probably snap.
I wonder if we could live together. I'm sure with anybody new, it takes work to learn to share space. But I think we can do it. And I think I'd rather enjoy it. (I just need a job first. Sadly, I'm still job hunting. And it sucks.)
Today we woke to a nice morning, albeit early. He had to travel out of town for work today so I stayed over last night so I could see him at least for a little while before he headed out. As he's packing, or rather simply putting a few articles of clothing into a duffel bag, he says in passing that we should try living together. I'm sure this is from my staying over and him getting to wake to me by his side. (He says he enjoys that every time it happens.) I suppose this means that thoughts (scary thoughts) of a possible breakup is no more, or never was.
Whew. Can't tell you what a relief it is. However, even though the outlook is sunny again, I still worry that he'll succumb to another cloudy mood and if so, my emotions are still fragile. I'll probably snap.
I wonder if we could live together. I'm sure with anybody new, it takes work to learn to share space. But I think we can do it. And I think I'd rather enjoy it. (I just need a job first. Sadly, I'm still job hunting. And it sucks.)
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
It all started with a text message
I am so confused I want to cry. (And I did.)
It was an average evening with an average hour wasted away on Facebook. Everything was smooth sailing until...
It all started with a text message.
"I wonder what will happen to us, and wonder it often."
Abruptly my evening went from casual happy-go-lucky to heavy...heavy and boding. With this little text I suddenly felt everything drop. I don't know why...it was simple enough. We all wonder what will happen in a relationship. We had talked about me trying to find work and one position I applied for is in a town that's a 6 hour drive away. And then he said, if I got that job, it'd give him an excuse to move with me outta our hometown. (Outlook sunny.)
So does, I wonder what will happen to us, mean that's he pondering on what will happen if one of us moves, or is he just thinking about how long we've been together and is naturally wondering where it'll continue to go. But I felt foreboding. This conversation was not going to be good. I get vibes. And often they're usually right.
I ask, "What are you wondering about?"
Response: "I think we could spend years together, if not forever. But I also am not sure we're truly compatible for anything semi-permanent."
(Outlook cloudy.)
What? My body is tensing, my skin is prickly, and I stare at my phone's screen. For a moment I'm frozen in time, and then the floodgates burst. Not compatible? How? I've never felt that we were so incompatible that it could jeopardize our relationship. We're both laid back, we like similar music, we make each other laugh, we like spending time with each other doing boring things like shopping and chores. (I always figured spending an entire day doing boring, mundane things together was a good test to see how well you could stand being with a person.) We're compatible romantically, and we both have similar views on life in general. At least, I thought we did.
So what is this question of compatibility coming from? I'm so confused. I know this must sound superficial, but one of the first things I think of is lifestyle; drinking specifically. He likes to drink every weekend. Sometimes on weekdays, but not always. I'm not so much of a drinker. I'll have one, maybe two, and call it quits. But that can't be it. Really? Over my not drinking as much? Impossible. He once said that the worst person to be in a bar is either the most sober or the most drunken. Anything in the middle is good. All of my friends are usually in the middle. He wouldn't really dump me because I'm the most sober one, I tell myself. If we were both drunken sots every weekend, I'd hate to imagine us both trying to drive home. At least with me being the sober one, I get to be designated driver and we all win. Okay, this crazy idea of drinking compatibility goes in the trash.
Now I didn't forget about the first half of that message. Some part of him believes we could spend years together. (If not forever.) That's a good sign, but it's tainted by the remainder of the text. What good is a rainbow if there's a tornado behind it?
How would you respond? I have no experience with this. I've never been in a true, loving relationship before. I've never been with the same person beyond 4 months before. Now I'm in a relationship that's lasted over 10 months. What do I say? I sit and sit and stare. Nothing good comes to mind. So I figure the best thing would be to respond with another question, at least to keep the ball rolling. I send back (and I paraphrase), 'Is it because we've never talked about anything super serious yet? I always figured we would eventually, maybe when it happened naturally in conversation or something.'
Response: "Maybe partly. I just always feel mercurial and driven/dragged to varied impulses that don't lend themselves to consistency."
What??? Okay, I know he's a good writer, but now he's got me stumped. I had to search an online dictionary for the word, mercurial. (Changeable; volatile; fickle; flighty; erratic.) In layman's terms, does this mean that every time he envisions the future, it's different depending on the day or his mood? Frankly, that's all I can figure out. I don't know what to do. And where is this all coming from, by the way? I'm at a loss. I simply write back, "Is there anything I can do?"
Response: "Darling, you're so wonderful I sometimes think I'm a fool I haven't yet asked you to marry me. But other times I don't want anything to do with anyone at all."
(Pregnant pause.) This is where I start to cry. I'm so utterly confused. Can he be any more bipolar?
First sentence first: Marry me? Really? He's thought that? Wow. I'll admit, I've let my mind wander before and a few times it's been along those lines. Just not right now, of course. But in the future? I've entertained the idea one or two times.
But I've also always felt it was a good idea to date a person for at least a good, long year before you start really thinking about that. And despite what some have said, I like the idea of living together first. Some say that you shouldn't until you are married; that those who move in before marriage is on the table have a greater chance of breaking up. But I say, moving in with someone gives you a full look at how life with this person would be on a daily basis. If you like what you see, then the chances are good that you'll stay together. If not, it might be a good thing you didn't get married. I will also admit that I've played "house" a few times in my head too; what it would be like to share a house together, buy furniture together, entertain guests in our home, buy groceries and cook together, visit our families together (as in-laws)...The idea has never turned me off. They've always been nice little "what-ifs."
So what does "I don't want anything to do with anyone" mean? Have I mentioned yet that, I'm confused? What am I supposed to do? And in all of this time trying to sort out what's going through his head, he's texted me again. "I don't mean to be so reflective or melancholy today. I was just trying to project life forward & being unsure of the path ahead."
Well, I can understand that he'd want to know where life was taking us. And as for being unsure of the path ahead...we are all in that boat together. Nobody knows what's going to happen. The path ahead of each and every one of us is unsure. I decide it's time I wrote something back that says how I feel. I tell him that I think he's wonderful, that he's been patient and sweet to me, I sometimes wonder what more I can do for him, and that I've seen hermit-like tendencies in a lot of guys and thought it somewhat normal. (This in reference to his comment on not having anything to do with anyone.)
He said, "It's more than hermitage, darling, but I haven't got the right idea of how to explain it." (By this point, I've got a tissue in hand and am blowing my nose.) I have to wonder if he thinks this is a routine relationship conversation or if he's seriously considering breaking up. (This is where my neck and jaw muscles hurt from holding back out-right balling. I relive the pressure and indulge myself in full-on sobbing.) I once read somewhere that a guy gets married, not necessarily when he meets "the one," but when he reaches that time in his life when he decides he is ready to get married, and by then he could be with someone else. Naturally, I'm now worried that he's decided he's not ready for that level of commitment and in the future when he is ready, I won't be the one with him. Is that what's happening? God, I hope not. I have to respond now. Not fully understanding where this is going to end up and too afraid to state the obvious, I say, "Let me know when you do, cuz I'm a bit confused. I'm also feeling weird and worried."
Okay, now he knows I'm worried, but doesn't know just how much of a basket-case I've become. I know, I know. He needs to know how upset I'll be if he's considering the dreaded "B" word. At the same time though, I fear that maybe by mentioning it, this whole thing will escalate into something more than he maybe meant it to be. I don't want to make it worse. His response, "Well I love you, and I'd love to watch a movie with you tonite if you have one, or even share your company with nothing in particular on TV."
That night, I went over to his place, expecting...well, nothing. I've lost all grip on what to expect now. But the night was like any night. It seems our deep conversations are saved for texting, not in person. We watch a DVD of a TV show for almost two hours and proceed to have one of the best nights ever...followed by a good morning. He even commented on how great the night was, that it was exceptionally better than most nights.
And now another day has passed and still no sight of another frightening conversation. Even so, I'm having trouble keeping up an appetite. When I get nervous and anxious and worried, I lose my appetite. Anytime I think on this, my stomach goes on strike. Is this going to rear its ugly head again when I least expect it? Probably. And that's what's killing me. I just don't know what's going through his head. He says he thinks we could spend forever together, but that we're not compatible for anything semi-permanent. What's a girl to do with that?
Today, I've come to a wavering conclusion that there's really nothing I can say at this point without making this situation worse. If he's not truly contemplating the awful "B" word, then I certainly don't want to bring it up. I suppose all I can do now is be myself and show him just how great a girlfriend I am so that he'll see how wonderful it is to have me in his life. I think that's all I can do for now...try to give him every reason to stay.
It was an average evening with an average hour wasted away on Facebook. Everything was smooth sailing until...
It all started with a text message.
"I wonder what will happen to us, and wonder it often."
Abruptly my evening went from casual happy-go-lucky to heavy...heavy and boding. With this little text I suddenly felt everything drop. I don't know why...it was simple enough. We all wonder what will happen in a relationship. We had talked about me trying to find work and one position I applied for is in a town that's a 6 hour drive away. And then he said, if I got that job, it'd give him an excuse to move with me outta our hometown. (Outlook sunny.)
So does, I wonder what will happen to us, mean that's he pondering on what will happen if one of us moves, or is he just thinking about how long we've been together and is naturally wondering where it'll continue to go. But I felt foreboding. This conversation was not going to be good. I get vibes. And often they're usually right.
I ask, "What are you wondering about?"
Response: "I think we could spend years together, if not forever. But I also am not sure we're truly compatible for anything semi-permanent."
(Outlook cloudy.)
What? My body is tensing, my skin is prickly, and I stare at my phone's screen. For a moment I'm frozen in time, and then the floodgates burst. Not compatible? How? I've never felt that we were so incompatible that it could jeopardize our relationship. We're both laid back, we like similar music, we make each other laugh, we like spending time with each other doing boring things like shopping and chores. (I always figured spending an entire day doing boring, mundane things together was a good test to see how well you could stand being with a person.) We're compatible romantically, and we both have similar views on life in general. At least, I thought we did.
So what is this question of compatibility coming from? I'm so confused. I know this must sound superficial, but one of the first things I think of is lifestyle; drinking specifically. He likes to drink every weekend. Sometimes on weekdays, but not always. I'm not so much of a drinker. I'll have one, maybe two, and call it quits. But that can't be it. Really? Over my not drinking as much? Impossible. He once said that the worst person to be in a bar is either the most sober or the most drunken. Anything in the middle is good. All of my friends are usually in the middle. He wouldn't really dump me because I'm the most sober one, I tell myself. If we were both drunken sots every weekend, I'd hate to imagine us both trying to drive home. At least with me being the sober one, I get to be designated driver and we all win. Okay, this crazy idea of drinking compatibility goes in the trash.
Now I didn't forget about the first half of that message. Some part of him believes we could spend years together. (If not forever.) That's a good sign, but it's tainted by the remainder of the text. What good is a rainbow if there's a tornado behind it?
How would you respond? I have no experience with this. I've never been in a true, loving relationship before. I've never been with the same person beyond 4 months before. Now I'm in a relationship that's lasted over 10 months. What do I say? I sit and sit and stare. Nothing good comes to mind. So I figure the best thing would be to respond with another question, at least to keep the ball rolling. I send back (and I paraphrase), 'Is it because we've never talked about anything super serious yet? I always figured we would eventually, maybe when it happened naturally in conversation or something.'
Response: "Maybe partly. I just always feel mercurial and driven/dragged to varied impulses that don't lend themselves to consistency."
What??? Okay, I know he's a good writer, but now he's got me stumped. I had to search an online dictionary for the word, mercurial. (Changeable; volatile; fickle; flighty; erratic.) In layman's terms, does this mean that every time he envisions the future, it's different depending on the day or his mood? Frankly, that's all I can figure out. I don't know what to do. And where is this all coming from, by the way? I'm at a loss. I simply write back, "Is there anything I can do?"
Response: "Darling, you're so wonderful I sometimes think I'm a fool I haven't yet asked you to marry me. But other times I don't want anything to do with anyone at all."
(Pregnant pause.) This is where I start to cry. I'm so utterly confused. Can he be any more bipolar?
First sentence first: Marry me? Really? He's thought that? Wow. I'll admit, I've let my mind wander before and a few times it's been along those lines. Just not right now, of course. But in the future? I've entertained the idea one or two times.
But I've also always felt it was a good idea to date a person for at least a good, long year before you start really thinking about that. And despite what some have said, I like the idea of living together first. Some say that you shouldn't until you are married; that those who move in before marriage is on the table have a greater chance of breaking up. But I say, moving in with someone gives you a full look at how life with this person would be on a daily basis. If you like what you see, then the chances are good that you'll stay together. If not, it might be a good thing you didn't get married. I will also admit that I've played "house" a few times in my head too; what it would be like to share a house together, buy furniture together, entertain guests in our home, buy groceries and cook together, visit our families together (as in-laws)...The idea has never turned me off. They've always been nice little "what-ifs."
So what does "I don't want anything to do with anyone" mean? Have I mentioned yet that, I'm confused? What am I supposed to do? And in all of this time trying to sort out what's going through his head, he's texted me again. "I don't mean to be so reflective or melancholy today. I was just trying to project life forward & being unsure of the path ahead."
Well, I can understand that he'd want to know where life was taking us. And as for being unsure of the path ahead...we are all in that boat together. Nobody knows what's going to happen. The path ahead of each and every one of us is unsure. I decide it's time I wrote something back that says how I feel. I tell him that I think he's wonderful, that he's been patient and sweet to me, I sometimes wonder what more I can do for him, and that I've seen hermit-like tendencies in a lot of guys and thought it somewhat normal. (This in reference to his comment on not having anything to do with anyone.)
He said, "It's more than hermitage, darling, but I haven't got the right idea of how to explain it." (By this point, I've got a tissue in hand and am blowing my nose.) I have to wonder if he thinks this is a routine relationship conversation or if he's seriously considering breaking up. (This is where my neck and jaw muscles hurt from holding back out-right balling. I relive the pressure and indulge myself in full-on sobbing.) I once read somewhere that a guy gets married, not necessarily when he meets "the one," but when he reaches that time in his life when he decides he is ready to get married, and by then he could be with someone else. Naturally, I'm now worried that he's decided he's not ready for that level of commitment and in the future when he is ready, I won't be the one with him. Is that what's happening? God, I hope not. I have to respond now. Not fully understanding where this is going to end up and too afraid to state the obvious, I say, "Let me know when you do, cuz I'm a bit confused. I'm also feeling weird and worried."
Okay, now he knows I'm worried, but doesn't know just how much of a basket-case I've become. I know, I know. He needs to know how upset I'll be if he's considering the dreaded "B" word. At the same time though, I fear that maybe by mentioning it, this whole thing will escalate into something more than he maybe meant it to be. I don't want to make it worse. His response, "Well I love you, and I'd love to watch a movie with you tonite if you have one, or even share your company with nothing in particular on TV."
That night, I went over to his place, expecting...well, nothing. I've lost all grip on what to expect now. But the night was like any night. It seems our deep conversations are saved for texting, not in person. We watch a DVD of a TV show for almost two hours and proceed to have one of the best nights ever...followed by a good morning. He even commented on how great the night was, that it was exceptionally better than most nights.
And now another day has passed and still no sight of another frightening conversation. Even so, I'm having trouble keeping up an appetite. When I get nervous and anxious and worried, I lose my appetite. Anytime I think on this, my stomach goes on strike. Is this going to rear its ugly head again when I least expect it? Probably. And that's what's killing me. I just don't know what's going through his head. He says he thinks we could spend forever together, but that we're not compatible for anything semi-permanent. What's a girl to do with that?
Today, I've come to a wavering conclusion that there's really nothing I can say at this point without making this situation worse. If he's not truly contemplating the awful "B" word, then I certainly don't want to bring it up. I suppose all I can do now is be myself and show him just how great a girlfriend I am so that he'll see how wonderful it is to have me in his life. I think that's all I can do for now...try to give him every reason to stay.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
The not-so successful life after college
I don't think there's anything else in this grown-up world that I detest more than the silent soul-crusher that is job hunting.
When I was in elementary school, I was told and always knew one day I'd be in junior high. Then in junior high, I always knew I'd be in high school soon. And in high school, I always knew and was told that I would go to college. And so the day came and I went to college. And while in college, I was told and led to assume that after graduation, I would be getting a job that would lead to a career and I would be employed and making money doing something related to what I was going to school for. Well we all know what happens when you assume.
Turns out I was set up for a big let down. It was all lies! Damnable lies. Hardly anyone I know actually has a job in their degree field. Many people I know (including me) couldn't find work right out of college. Everything was always step by step in the (what I thought was) the correct direction. The path to success...the path that is known and understood. Not the scary pot-hole ridden path in the opposite direction.
Graduation was the edge of the plateau. There was no continuous mountain path upward. There was just graduation from college and then a big, steep roll downward. Resumes and blasted cover letters abounded. But I was hit with the same confounding response everywhere I went; Employers wanted to hire someone with at least 2 years experience. But how was I to get 2 years experience if noone would hire me??
So the bubble burst on the idea of working for an advertising agency right out of college. Either they wanted experience or they were a small company that had no openings. Later on while I had a crummy sales job, I job-hunted on the side...hoping to find anything better that didn't rely on a commission-based salary. In interviews I'd regurgitate the same spiel of information. Each interview picked at my life force. I realized I had nothing to say except to recite my academic past. I had no family of my own, I had no kids (but thank goodness I'm not a single mom), and I hadn't traveled the world. My life was my stupid resume.
So the rundown is this; after a move back to my hometown, a lack-luster job at a newspaper, a crappy job at a movie theater, and a stressful go-nowhere job in god-awful sales, I took up a new class at a community college. Finally, I was back in an environment where I understood the world. But the outside's evil eye was always boring into the back of my skull. It was there and waiting. I couldn't hide back in academia for long. So I'm now back at the plateau, gazing down again, knowing I have to tuck and roll once more.
(Sigh) Hopefully this time I'll avoid the larger rubble.
When I was in elementary school, I was told and always knew one day I'd be in junior high. Then in junior high, I always knew I'd be in high school soon. And in high school, I always knew and was told that I would go to college. And so the day came and I went to college. And while in college, I was told and led to assume that after graduation, I would be getting a job that would lead to a career and I would be employed and making money doing something related to what I was going to school for. Well we all know what happens when you assume.
Turns out I was set up for a big let down. It was all lies! Damnable lies. Hardly anyone I know actually has a job in their degree field. Many people I know (including me) couldn't find work right out of college. Everything was always step by step in the (what I thought was) the correct direction. The path to success...the path that is known and understood. Not the scary pot-hole ridden path in the opposite direction.
Graduation was the edge of the plateau. There was no continuous mountain path upward. There was just graduation from college and then a big, steep roll downward. Resumes and blasted cover letters abounded. But I was hit with the same confounding response everywhere I went; Employers wanted to hire someone with at least 2 years experience. But how was I to get 2 years experience if noone would hire me??
So the bubble burst on the idea of working for an advertising agency right out of college. Either they wanted experience or they were a small company that had no openings. Later on while I had a crummy sales job, I job-hunted on the side...hoping to find anything better that didn't rely on a commission-based salary. In interviews I'd regurgitate the same spiel of information. Each interview picked at my life force. I realized I had nothing to say except to recite my academic past. I had no family of my own, I had no kids (but thank goodness I'm not a single mom), and I hadn't traveled the world. My life was my stupid resume.
So the rundown is this; after a move back to my hometown, a lack-luster job at a newspaper, a crappy job at a movie theater, and a stressful go-nowhere job in god-awful sales, I took up a new class at a community college. Finally, I was back in an environment where I understood the world. But the outside's evil eye was always boring into the back of my skull. It was there and waiting. I couldn't hide back in academia for long. So I'm now back at the plateau, gazing down again, knowing I have to tuck and roll once more.
(Sigh) Hopefully this time I'll avoid the larger rubble.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Potential Energy
I was randomly perusing other blogs and this one caught my eye. I enjoy reading it and there's been one or two posts I felt I understood well or connected with a bit. Enjoy her writing here:
Potential Energy
Potential Energy
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Uncharted waters
Sailing the waters of a relationship is hard. You never know when you'll have clear skies and smooth water or when you'll have murky water with a looming thunderstorm on the horizon. Or worse, the threatening hurricane. "Thar she blows!"
It's another sleepy night with a weird feeling. I was watching a movie with my boyfriend tonight. When I went over to his place, everything felt like the same ol' same ol.' After the movie, and we were both very tired, he was lying there half asleep; however, the look on his face also looked like he was thinking...possibly like he could be troubled. Of course, he could just be half asleep. But I was tired too, and was starting to worry. Cuz that's what I do, apparently. He didn't look 100% completely satisfied so I immediately began thinking of everything I could do or hadn't done. Did I say anything during the night that I shouldn't have said? I sometimes do without realizing it as it escapes from my mouth. But at least it's never anything super bad. But my worried, anxious, neurotic mind is like super-grow to these tiny seeds of doubt and it grows way out of proportion.
Lots of little things rushed into the forefront of my thoughts: Do I say "I love you" enough? (I have a hard time expressing meaningful things sometimes due to my rather emotionally closed-off childhood.) Do I do enough little things to show him I care? Do I do too much and risk smothering him? Am I too nonchalant about important issues because I don't want him to think I'm turning into a crazy commitment-for-life seeking woman? And the answer to all of this jumbled mess is, I'm scared. I've never been in a relationship for this long before. I'm sailing uncharted waters. Bigger questions rise to the surface after all of the smaller ones. Bigger ones like: Should I start looking for potential long-term clues? Should I consider trying to make this relationship go for the gold or should I start re-charting? Have past issues with the opposite sex led me to think if I find a good one, I should just hang onto it, even if there could be a better one out there? Or is this the better one and I just don't fully realize it yet?
What am I more scared of: losing him or being alone? And there is a difference. Being alone means the unthinkable (breaking up with him) and then never finding another big fish. Losing him means he throws me back when I don't want to go.
And the funny thing is, the more mundane, domesticated type stuff we do together, the more I begin to imagine us doing even more mundane, domesticated type stuff, and then I panic that I'm going to lose that...that he'll grow tired of it and decide he's had enough. And I suppose the fact that I'm stressing about this means I really do love him. Why else would I start to worry that it'll all end? (Oh geez, I'm tearing up a bit.)
The hardest part is talking to him about all of this because as I've already said earlier, I'm worried this will scare him off. (And because I'm worried I'll scare him off must mean that I don't want him to go anywhere.) It'd be nice if this ship had a navigator. But alas, I'm on my own and nobody can tell me what to do.
So what do I want? Where does it all stand right now? Well, I think I really love him...a lot. And I certainly don't want him jumping ship. Do I want to seek further commitment? I dunno. It's too soon. We haven't even dated for a year yet. But what about in another year from now? .................. Perhaps. All I know right now at this moment is, as I go to sleep, I'd really like snuggle him close like a teddy bear. Is that my answer?
It's another sleepy night with a weird feeling. I was watching a movie with my boyfriend tonight. When I went over to his place, everything felt like the same ol' same ol.' After the movie, and we were both very tired, he was lying there half asleep; however, the look on his face also looked like he was thinking...possibly like he could be troubled. Of course, he could just be half asleep. But I was tired too, and was starting to worry. Cuz that's what I do, apparently. He didn't look 100% completely satisfied so I immediately began thinking of everything I could do or hadn't done. Did I say anything during the night that I shouldn't have said? I sometimes do without realizing it as it escapes from my mouth. But at least it's never anything super bad. But my worried, anxious, neurotic mind is like super-grow to these tiny seeds of doubt and it grows way out of proportion.
Lots of little things rushed into the forefront of my thoughts: Do I say "I love you" enough? (I have a hard time expressing meaningful things sometimes due to my rather emotionally closed-off childhood.) Do I do enough little things to show him I care? Do I do too much and risk smothering him? Am I too nonchalant about important issues because I don't want him to think I'm turning into a crazy commitment-for-life seeking woman? And the answer to all of this jumbled mess is, I'm scared. I've never been in a relationship for this long before. I'm sailing uncharted waters. Bigger questions rise to the surface after all of the smaller ones. Bigger ones like: Should I start looking for potential long-term clues? Should I consider trying to make this relationship go for the gold or should I start re-charting? Have past issues with the opposite sex led me to think if I find a good one, I should just hang onto it, even if there could be a better one out there? Or is this the better one and I just don't fully realize it yet?
What am I more scared of: losing him or being alone? And there is a difference. Being alone means the unthinkable (breaking up with him) and then never finding another big fish. Losing him means he throws me back when I don't want to go.
And the funny thing is, the more mundane, domesticated type stuff we do together, the more I begin to imagine us doing even more mundane, domesticated type stuff, and then I panic that I'm going to lose that...that he'll grow tired of it and decide he's had enough. And I suppose the fact that I'm stressing about this means I really do love him. Why else would I start to worry that it'll all end? (Oh geez, I'm tearing up a bit.)
The hardest part is talking to him about all of this because as I've already said earlier, I'm worried this will scare him off. (And because I'm worried I'll scare him off must mean that I don't want him to go anywhere.) It'd be nice if this ship had a navigator. But alas, I'm on my own and nobody can tell me what to do.
So what do I want? Where does it all stand right now? Well, I think I really love him...a lot. And I certainly don't want him jumping ship. Do I want to seek further commitment? I dunno. It's too soon. We haven't even dated for a year yet. But what about in another year from now? .................. Perhaps. All I know right now at this moment is, as I go to sleep, I'd really like snuggle him close like a teddy bear. Is that my answer?
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