Brokenhearted

Oh God, vibes never lie. I was right, and I hate that I was right. Remember earlier when I wrote about feeling vibes that something was bothering my boyfriend, that something was wrong or off? Stupid vibes were right.

"I have been unfaithful."

My mind won't stop replaying that god-awful sentence delivered to me just this morning. The following, well, I'm not sure how much time passed at all. But in that time, there was a lot of long, quiet pauses where I cried and tried to think of the next thing to say; the next question to ask. He had to go to work and asked if he should call me when he got off. Not wanting to end this conversation...cry-fest, whatever, in the middle of things, I said yes. And I've been in bed since.

That's what I do. I become lethargic, tired, depressed and all I want is to fall into bed and cry myself to sleep. I didn't even listen to any music for the first five hours. If you knew me, you'd know that's really something. I was nauseous for a bit too. I tried to think about everything that's going to need to be said and asked, but I can't get passed the crying stage long enough to think about it properly.

What do you do if you still love the guy who cheated on you?


The whole thing started when he wanted to talk "relationship" talk. He went on to say that he loves me, I make him happy, and he loves getting to wake up with me in his arms and spend the day doing boring every day things with me. And so, he seriously suggested moving in together.
But then he said there's one problem...... "I've been unfaithful."

I was completely blindsided by this. I had no idea and no real clues that actual cheating happened. I could feel the insides of my chest, in the sternum area, twisting and bubbling. I felt that uncomfortable tender-on-the-skin like when you get sick kind of prickliness. It was later when I got in bed that I started to feel the nausea. I managed to sleep briefly for a good hour. At least, I think it was an hour. It was long enough for me to have a dream and then wake up feeling like I was having an anxiety attack.

HOW COULD HE? He's ruined everything now. I'm so utterly brokenhearted. How are we supposed to have that wonderful relationship and move in together now?? The trust is gone. And god help me, I really want to forgive and forget, but I can't do that so easily. I must admit that I felt a tiny drop of satisfaction at telling him that if we'd only been dating a couple of months (and not 11 months) I probably would've just dumped him...and went on to say that moving in together would be a bad idea... and then seeing him close his eyes as the realization of what he's done hits him and tears fall down his cheeks.

Most advice on the Internet says you should just leave a cheater...however, every relationship is different and if you do choose to forgive and take them back, you have to accept that they are a cheater and may do it again. But I will break into a thousand small pieces with no hope of becoming whole again if he cheats once more.

I don't know what to do.