It all started with a text message

I am so confused I want to cry. (And I did.)
It was an average evening with an average hour wasted away on Facebook. Everything was smooth sailing until...

It all started with a text message.
"I wonder what will happen to us, and wonder it often."

Abruptly my evening went from casual happy-go-lucky to heavy...heavy and boding. With this little text I suddenly felt everything drop. I don't know why...it was simple enough. We all wonder what will happen in a relationship. We had talked about me trying to find work and one position I applied for is in a town that's a 6 hour drive away. And then he said, if I got that job, it'd give him an excuse to move with me outta our hometown. (Outlook sunny.)
So does, I wonder what will happen to us, mean that's he pondering on what will happen if one of us moves, or is he just thinking about how long we've been together and is naturally wondering where it'll continue to go. But I felt foreboding. This conversation was not going to be good. I get vibes. And often they're usually right.

I ask, "What are you wondering about?"
Response: "I think we could spend years together, if not forever. But I also am not sure we're truly compatible for anything semi-permanent."
(Outlook cloudy.)

What? My body is tensing, my skin is prickly, and I stare at my phone's screen. For a moment I'm frozen in time, and then the floodgates burst. Not compatible? How? I've never felt that we were so incompatible that it could jeopardize our relationship. We're both laid back, we like similar music, we make each other laugh, we like spending time with each other doing boring things like shopping and chores. (I always figured spending an entire day doing boring, mundane things together was a good test to see how well you could stand being with a person.) We're compatible romantically, and we both have similar views on life in general. At least, I thought we did.

So what is this question of compatibility coming from? I'm so confused. I know this must sound superficial, but one of the first things I think of is lifestyle; drinking specifically. He likes to drink every weekend. Sometimes on weekdays, but not always. I'm not so much of a drinker. I'll have one, maybe two, and call it quits. But that can't be it. Really? Over my not drinking as much? Impossible. He once said that the worst person to be in a bar is either the most sober or the most drunken. Anything in the middle is good. All of my friends are usually in the middle. He wouldn't really dump me because I'm the most sober one, I tell myself. If we were both drunken sots every weekend, I'd hate to imagine us both trying to drive home. At least with me being the sober one, I get to be designated driver and we all win. Okay, this crazy idea of drinking compatibility goes in the trash.

Now I didn't forget about the first half of that message. Some part of him believes we could spend years together. (If not forever.) That's a good sign, but it's tainted by the remainder of the text. What good is a rainbow if there's a tornado behind it?

How would you respond? I have no experience with this. I've never been in a true, loving relationship before. I've never been with the same person beyond 4 months before. Now I'm in a relationship that's lasted over 10 months. What do I say? I sit and sit and stare. Nothing good comes to mind. So I figure the best thing would be to respond with another question, at least to keep the ball rolling. I send back (and I paraphrase), 'Is it because we've never talked about anything super serious yet? I always figured we would eventually, maybe when it happened naturally in conversation or something.'

Response: "Maybe partly. I just always feel mercurial and driven/dragged to varied impulses that don't lend themselves to consistency."

What??? Okay, I know he's a good writer, but now he's got me stumped. I had to search an online dictionary for the word, mercurial. (Changeable; volatile; fickle; flighty; erratic.) In layman's terms, does this mean that every time he envisions the future, it's different depending on the day or his mood? Frankly, that's all I can figure out. I don't know what to do. And where is this all coming from, by the way? I'm at a loss. I simply write back, "Is there anything I can do?"

Response: "Darling, you're so wonderful I sometimes think I'm a fool I haven't yet asked you to marry me. But other times I don't want anything to do with anyone at all."

(Pregnant pause.) This is where I start to cry. I'm so utterly confused. Can he be any more bipolar?
First sentence first: Marry me? Really? He's thought that? Wow. I'll admit, I've let my mind wander before and a few times it's been along those lines. Just not right now, of course. But in the future? I've entertained the idea one or two times.
But I've also always felt it was a good idea to date a person for at least a good, long year before you start really thinking about that. And despite what some have said, I like the idea of living together first. Some say that you shouldn't until you are married; that those who move in before marriage is on the table have a greater chance of breaking up. But I say, moving in with someone gives you a full look at how life with this person would be on a daily basis. If you like what you see, then the chances are good that you'll stay together. If not, it might be a good thing you didn't get married. I will also admit that I've played "house" a few times in my head too; what it would be like to share a house together, buy furniture together, entertain guests in our home, buy groceries and cook together, visit our families together (as in-laws)...The idea has never turned me off. They've always been nice little "what-ifs."

So what does "I don't want anything to do with anyone" mean?  Have I mentioned yet that, I'm confused? What am I supposed to do? And in all of this time trying to sort out what's going through his head, he's texted me again. "I don't mean to be so reflective or melancholy today. I was just trying to project life forward & being unsure of the path ahead." 

Well, I can understand that he'd want to know where life was taking us. And as for being unsure of the path ahead...we are all in that boat together. Nobody knows what's going to happen. The path ahead of each and every one of us is unsure. I decide it's time I wrote something back that says how I feel. I tell him that I think he's wonderful, that he's been patient and sweet to me, I sometimes wonder what more I can do for him, and that I've seen hermit-like tendencies in a lot of guys and thought it somewhat normal. (This in reference to his comment on not having anything to do with anyone.)

He said, "It's more than hermitage, darling, but I haven't got the right idea of how to explain it." (By this point, I've got a tissue in hand and am blowing my nose.) I have to wonder if he thinks this is a routine relationship conversation or if he's seriously considering breaking up. (This is where my neck and jaw muscles hurt from holding back out-right balling. I relive the pressure and indulge myself in full-on sobbing.) I once read somewhere that a guy gets married, not necessarily when he meets "the one," but when he reaches that time in his life when he decides he is ready to get married, and by then he could be with someone else. Naturally, I'm now worried that he's decided he's not ready for that level of commitment and in the future when he is ready, I won't be the one with him. Is that what's happening? God, I hope not. I have to respond now. Not fully understanding where this is going to end up and too afraid to state the obvious, I say, "Let me know when you do, cuz I'm a bit confused. I'm also feeling weird and worried." 

Okay, now he knows I'm worried, but doesn't know just how much of a basket-case I've become. I know, I know. He needs to know how upset I'll be if he's considering the dreaded "B" word. At the same time though, I fear that maybe by mentioning it, this whole thing will escalate into something more than he maybe meant it to be. I don't want to make it worse. His response, "Well I love you, and I'd love to watch a movie with you tonite if you have one, or even share your company with nothing in particular on TV." 


That night, I went over to his place, expecting...well, nothing. I've lost all grip on what to expect now. But the night was like any night. It seems our deep conversations are saved for texting, not in person. We watch a DVD of a TV show for almost two hours and proceed to have one of the best nights ever...followed by a good morning. He even commented on how great the night was, that it was exceptionally better than most nights.

And now another day has passed and still no sight of another frightening conversation. Even so, I'm having trouble keeping up an appetite. When I get nervous and anxious and worried, I lose my appetite. Anytime I think on this, my stomach goes on strike. Is this going to rear its ugly head again when I least expect it? Probably. And that's what's killing me. I just don't know what's going through his head. He says he thinks we could spend forever together, but that we're not compatible for anything semi-permanent. What's a girl to do with that? 

Today, I've come to a wavering conclusion that there's really nothing I can say at this point without making this situation worse. If he's not truly contemplating the awful "B" word, then I certainly don't want to bring it up. I suppose all I can do now is be myself and show him just how great a girlfriend I am so that he'll see how wonderful it is to have me in his life. I think that's all I can do for now...try to give him every reason to stay.