Sad and angry

Day 3: Still dwelling and hurting and confused.

Despite everything, I recently had a thought brought on by all of my questions and venting. For some reason, I'm afraid I'll lose him. Doesn't make sense, right? He should be worried he'll lose me. And damn it, he needs to start rebuilding the trust NOW. The little things are causing me grief and stress. Last time we talked on the phone, he didn't end the conversation with "I love you," like he always does. I know I'm brokenhearted and angry, but he needs to grovel! He needs to keep saying I love you. I know I can't say it back right now, but that doesn't change the fact that I need to hear it from him. He is supposed to be proving that he's going to make this better and by backing off makes me think he doesn't want to fight to keep me. Fight dammit!

I'm not the one who is supposed to worry he'll just give up and lose me. This was his mistake and he needs to worry about losing me and what he can do to keep me, how to make me trust him again, and to prove he really does love me. Without that, why should I forgive him? I need to see lots of remorse and sucking up. Is that so hard? Is that really too much to ask? I think not.

Perhaps he is giving me time to calm down and collect my thoughts. And maybe he's also scared. I'm scared too. He's been my boyfriend for almost 11 months and now I can't look him in the eye and I feel awkward sitting next to him...like when we first started dating. And I think it's because I feel like I don't know him anymore; not like I used to. And this makes me so angry, I cry.

He ruined everything! Everything we had built up...gone. Just like that. We were so close to moving in together. Not gonna happen now. Who knows when we'll be back to where we were in our relationship at the beginning of the month. For all I know, it could take another 11 months. And THAT makes me angry too! It's not fair! This isn't where we were supposed to be with our one year anniversary around the corner.

I guess the point of all of this ranting is that I need him to prove to me that he's going to do whatever is necessary to win me back, to show that he will rebuild the trust, and fight to make me love him again...the way I did before this mess. Because if he's not, then why should I invest so much emotion and time into working on forgiving him and moving on? And I want him to want to win me back so much. I want my heart to mend. I want him to earn my love back. And if he doesn't, I don't think my heart can break into any smaller pieces, but it just may.